Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Emperor Bannon Strikes Back

Any Star Wars fan would agree that Emperor palpitine was always the one running the show.
Is this now true of the infamous Donald and Bannon duo too?

You know Bannon. Now take this quiz to see how well you know Emperor Palpitine aka Darth Sidious so I can take your opinions seriously when you weigh in on the subject after reading this post.

Trump would like nothing more than to be Darth, he has pointed out several times that Darth is a perfect name for him once he takes office: D for Donald replacing the E in Earth and you have Darth. Perfect.

You also may have noticed his pointing during public appearances. He took a page from Sidious with that one. Bannon agrees which is probably why he liked this photo, made by one of the writers of this blog, Philip Shearing. You can check his Instagram here and show your support.

May the force be with you!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Trump invests in Doritos on Mars

Trump has been busy since being named the President-elect. With him as the lead dog, we won't NEED to move to Mars because we have destroyed the Earth, rather, we will WANT to move there for all of the new buildings and opportunities he will create, all we have to do is get there!!

Taking a cue from Trump on this matter, I say, let's forget how to get there for a minute, for the real question on the minds of people in limbo on going to Mars is whether Ketchup Doritos will be there when they arrive, right? And the truth is, Trump supporters could care less about Mr. Musk or SpaceX rockets. I heard he wasn't even born here.  

Trump's newest move is a smart one though it may be misguided: he asked NASA to continue at full-speed with the initiative of growing potatoes on Mars, granted, not so fast the hair on Trump's head takes off on its own Mars trajectory, it is crucial a President-elect keeps composure and appears reticent. We wouldn't want a wardrobe malfunction to ruin it.

I am not sure if Donald is aware that Doritos are in fact a corn chip and therefore made from corn rather than potatoes but its an easy mistake, they don't have Ketchup Doritos in the U.S. after all.

I want to be clear here, I am not attempting to slight President-elect. Good friends tell it like it is, and though he and most of his supporters cannot read, I have to state my intentions to protect myself in the event he finds out and shames me via Twitter. Can you imagine the humiliation from such a credible man? My life would be over.

The Ketchup Doritos on Mars initiative will have the support of both Melania and Ivanka, as ever since it was reported flowers were in fact thriving aboard the international space station, these hotties wanted to improve on the ambiance by replacing them with Ketchup Doritos Roses. I agree, fake things last longer and are less maintenance. You don't even really have to pay attention to them or understand how they survive and to their wondement, they  just keep on keeping on. Amazing, really.

Yet, alas, there is still a lot of convincing Mr. Trump about working with Canada and it's hippie-dippie policies but they are the beholder of the red corn triangles so his supporters are trying to push the fact that the left over Doritos dust in the bag and be rubbed on the skin for instant touch-ups by him and body doubles once the going gets tough.

He liked that.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Protesters are burning world's supply of Ketchup Doritos

Maybe there is a protest gene? And if so, thanks be to God for putting it there for those protest votes - most likely cast by the protesters lighting the fires in Portland and praising third parties- led to the election of Trump. Yea haw 'merika!!

Speaking of fires, I heard they were started with Ketchup Doritos. Yes, you read right folks, the chip is a woodsmen's best friend and in a pinch will heat you up the colour of orange you know and love. Just check out these you tube videos. But they're not camping in Portland.

I have a theory, 'merika.

We all know this loveable chip is only available in Canada so either these protesters are illegal immigrants or smugglers. Either way both of 'em bad and wasting precious chips is a crime in itself. Chips over rights to freedom of speech, protesters.
These 'testers' are in angst because they couldn't vote for the now president-elect Donald Trump, though they probably wanted to, you know they wanted to. Look folks, either they are not U.S. citizens or they are U.S. Criminals and will go to jail for smuggling KD into the country and we know prisoners can't vote (another American beauty).

In retaliation, Ketchup Doritos calls on President-elect Trump to invade Canada and recover the world's supply of Ketchup Doritos. We need to keep them out of the hands of protestors because we don't know, we just don't know.

If there is a protest gene, Gene sharp has it. He has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize several times but has never won because protesters never win anything, right?

Always a bridesmaid.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Doritos Roulette is a Dangerous Game

Gambling is a harmless pursuit. Where would Hollywood be without classics such as Casino or The Gambler? Countless Americans depend on gaming for extra income or for free appetizers. FYI I am not even counting the thousands of croupiers, bouncers, video camera surveillance jockeys and the immense cornucopia of prostitutes who rely on the good graces of gamblers to "make ends meet."

Imagine my surprise when my trusty sidekick forwarded me a link to a website that led to another website which referenced actual journalism done by a real News-Paper (not really sure what they mean by that, but they sounded legitimate) which implied that Doritos could HARM people?

According to our friends across the Atlantic, a young lady eating Roulette Doritos allegedly suffered an "asthma attack" by eating one of said Doritos, never mind the thousands of studies that prove otherwise. 

An easy answer would be to stick to Ketchup Doritos, the only real snack worth even dying over. Doritos Roulette may be dangerous so stay with the safe option, the one you know won't spice-nuke your tongue and leave you choking like you just swallowed a scorpion.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Transgender issues are coming up again

A transgender student threw up on the hallway floor of their high school today just steps away from the bathroom facilities. The student said they truly did not know which bathroom to run into at the time because, in fact, no one has ever personally asked them where they would like to pee since the issue was made a public matter by people who are not transgender across the nation.

The upset stomach arose after the student was seen binge-eating Ketchup Doritos in the schoolyard. The Canadian-only limited edition snack was 'just too irresistible' for the American kid who was given more than a few serving sizes after his friend returned from vacation north of the border. This issue could have been avoided had a warning been placed on the bag indicating its highly addictive properties, much like the FDA does for approved drugs. Americans should not be blamed for over-eating, especially when they didn't know any better.

The issue of transgender students is not a new one but its use by the Dems to distract from real issues like Donald Trump's idea to build a wall out of corn stalks is. This was emphasized by a native of Deleware, Sarah McBride, who spoke at the DNC about her transgender experience and her support for Hillary and her party's transgender platform when they could have been talking about something else.

Another 10 states have sued the Obama administration over bathroom guidance for transgendered students and discussions will continue.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Loves Ketchup Doritos & Yoga

Do Grade-A Squawkers like to snap at Saucy chips? If a recent shot revealed in our Ketchup Doritos blog isn't a rag o' lies, then that's a Ketchup Doritos dust-red-handed yes! A perched petulant parrot appears here in a photo next to a bag of Ketchup Doritos shamelessly here in one of the hallways of Winnipeg's Canadian Museum of Human Rights, his smug laugh reminding us of the last damned Canuck election.

If his fondness for reggae and incense teaches us anything, then it's safe to say his sinister plan is to teach our parrots to speak a single word each, and then to use his parliamentary leverage to ram through legislation to give them the right to vote, and you know which word he'll teach them. "LIBERAL"

Trudeau was once a drama teacher so you know that he wants to cause a bunch of dramatic feeling in the populace. He probably expects the Maritimes to think about how She left Him for the shifty-eyed American Choppers-wearing Assistant Manager of the Dixie Lee from Port Daniel, or to remind Saskatchewan of the moment when They realized that death was a true thing and Mama wasn't coming home.

The PM once drew a picture of a middle finger to depict the new Ottawa-funded Human Rights Building in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Defensively, his Press Attaché said,  "(Trudeau) didn't have time to make the Obama pinky ring because he was busy finding new reasons to collect personal income tax from ordinary Canadians."

Postcard-sized copies of the painting were bought and sold like common chattel. The original sold at an auction for $25,000 and could have been bought by anyone, even the crooked bastards from ISIS.

Some art collectors could see right through the water-coloured dream and were unimpressed.

If we've learned anything from this ordeal, you can teach a PM to Squalker, but you can't make him brink-smanship.

[Ed. Note: Jeremy Brendan helped to polish, buffet, and massage this article until it squealed with delight like some sort of porcine bride, unencumbered by the worry of the fall season and the looming political slaughter.]

Genetics or Beards Lead to Republican Tears

Am I just too busy hiding from extreme facial hair in my money pit to crack a book or has someone finally debunked science altogether? Or is it the practicality of facial hair getting caught up in and amongst the roughage a concern too big to justify.

Out of 15 U.S. presidents, only John Quincy Adams was able to slip past us, him and whatever else he was hiding in his ungodly wooly mammoth beard of great creation. We all know only God is allowed to make something that great.

No one?  Well, not all of it is necessary for me to keep on playing until the end of the 18th hole, mainly just Charles Darwin with his evolution stuff and whoever else trumpeters the dogma of science, right?

The ones to be called silly are those who followed him into the unknown abyss of genetics when we were safe and warm all wrapped up in a godly blanket or doing necessary shopping in Mayfair away from it all.

Let's take Donald Trump as an example. He asks the question of whether ethnicity is based on culture, genetics and heritage or rather how you look on the outside to someone like him who knows nothing about neither you nor science. Donald Trump would say the latter because he knows things, guys. Rich people are smart, aren't they? And there are many of whom agree, whole-heartedly.

He is speaking of Gonzalo Curiel, the all too Mexican-looking American judge who is presiding over a case involving Donald Trump and whom Donald has accused of having an absolute conflict, one where he is fighting with his genes and he is winning so therefore he could not judge Mr. Trump's case.

When Trump assumes something, he is not, as the saying goes, making an ass out of you and me. I would like to think that he is predicting the future. Trump explains why we should recluse every judge who keeps giving bad rulings in this incredibly necessary 12 minute speech.

Only those who are crazy enough to believe in the theories brought forth from vigorous experiments and analysis from the scientific method will trumpet the theories of science.

To tell you the truth though, maybe I am even scared of a little moustache and unlike Nas, my suit-wearing, judgie-mcjudgerton-ways have lasted so long that it's hard to tell.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The ouster of mascot Frito Bandito has been rescinded

It's hard to find - let alone afford - a ticket to see the Maple Leafs in their home city of Toronto, and yet it was 1967 since they won a Stanley Cup. A great example of good business.

It was a year when America had clear morals, plans and a conviction to execute them as it did when the U.S. military strength increased to a total of over 490,000 personnel, 90% of those involved in the army. Among them was not boxer Muhammad Ali, who refused to enlist and, for his dissidence, was stripped of the World Championship title later that year.

It was also a year when a company such as Fritos, had the freedom and bravery to introduce a mascot like Frito Bandito, peddling their delicious corn chips and marking a time when you could say what you wanted unscathed.

The mascot had endorsed their number one selling snack food successfully for over 40 years and would have continued to do so had the liberal lefties not thought that he was "stealing" the corn chips and was misrepresenting the Mexican people. They began protesting and we had no choice but to fire Mr. Bandito with 2 weeks pay and medical for a year.

So why are so many wondering if Frito Bandito will return to steal our corn chips once more?"

The Mexicans' collective sombrero has been lifted, folks. The siesta is now over.

The decision to rehire Mr. Bandito came after a language correlation analysis by the company. The language of the presidential candidates in the republican debates showed a strong similarity and related likeability to the mascot, Frito Bandito, with the highest correlation among them being Donald Trump. The company thought having Frito Bandito in a commercial with Donald would bring in the biggest bucks and would illustrate Frito simply outsmarting some for their chips, not stealing them, though he would acknowledge some steal but some are good people.

Trump has been speaking out against chip theft and said he will not tolerate it. The Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is mighty happy about that for once we get them, we don't want to worry about having our freedom to eat them taken away.

Friday, May 27, 2016

A bag of Ketchup Doritos could have saved Trayvon Martin's Life

What if Trayvon Martin's intention was to walk into a 7-11, purchase a bag of Ketchup Doritos and a drink and go on his merry way?

A new look into the case suggests why he was found along the neighbourhood watch route of George Zimmerman on the night of February 26, 2012. It seems he was looking to score a bag of Ketchup Doritos when he was fatally shot by the resident who claims he acted in self-defense towards the intruder in his gated community.

In his hands, Trayvon was carrying a bag of Skittles and an Arizona watermelon drink when the incident occurred. What was not in the 7-11 plastic bag however, was a bag of Ketchup Doritos, his ultimate snack.

Sources say Trayvon had heard that the Canadian favourite was being sold in the areas close to where the Doritos corn chip was founded back when it was ok to be free and have a mascot like, Frito Bandito with no repercussions.

[Guest Editor Jeremy Brendan notes: Ketchup Doritos Blog prides itself on supporting the Republican Party, as the GOP typically enjoys Doritos more than the witless Dems who are typically vegan and/or against flavor. The grim reality is, however, that George Zimmerman inhibited Trayvon's right to enjoy Ketchup Doritos. So, with great reluctance, we must say that Black Lives Matter, as long as they're living the American Doritos Dream.]

[Trayvon's psalm: "George Zimmerman will live on and enjoy the right to KD. Why should he walk free? The law was obviously against me. Florida, you see..."]

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Trump's favourite fairy tale inspires wall construction

Recent announcements suggested that Donald Trump is entertaining the idea of the wall "building itself" by making it out of corn and bean stalks.

Jack and the Beanstalk is a favourite of Donald's and with his new commitment to legalizing Ketchup Doritos in the USA, he thought, "why not make it out of the raw ingredients used for the corn chip to minimize production costs?"

On average, a corn plant measures 8 feet tall however, the world record is over 35 feet and USA will aim to achieve that height near the border. If further protection is needed, he suggested flying a few or as many drones for surveillance as needed.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

'Seasoned' drones detect and deliver Ketchup Doritos

The party of the Constitution has been proudly declaring their love of drones publically since their inception.

These little gadgets play a vital role in fighting terrorism, surveillance and protecting our citizens from harms way in the name of freedom, a support upheld by some of the key players of the party. 

Now, like new immigrants in a foreign country or New York street vendors when the weather changes, drones can do whatever this world throws at them, that quality being the main reason they are a top choice in the market.

Versatility equals profitability. Drones as soldiers, drones as surveyors and time-savers, drones as toys, and now drones as spies! 

If someone is here illegally or smuggling goods due to their ability to procure and eat Ketchup Doritos and you are not only envious and jealous but it has motivated you to the vengeful state, use a flavour drone to catch them in action! New technology has made them able to detect the seasonings through any type of material.

I realize some may liken drones to toy guns and raise their hand in objection. With my hand to my heart and to the Constitution, I think a child playing with a toy drone from Toys R Us on a sunny day with a friend can separate the scenario between an army drone - looking identical to their toy drone and shooting real ammunition at unknown people who may or may not be terrorists in a far away country that the operator will probably never visit - and theirs. You may not believe in the children as much as we do but I think you will.

I agree with John McCain, Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman (R-Ariz) when he said, "No one believes you can't use drones anymore. That'd be crazy."

On their website, Best Drones for Kids, they concentrate on ready-to-fly drones that don't require complicated assembly. Little thought prior to flight makes them extra safe for the children of our future.

In a previous Ketchup Doritos' post, we alerted the public to Syrians migrating to North America for Ketchup Doritos. Now they are bringing the snack with them behind the backs of Americans so desperately trying for their legit stay in the U.S. of A.

Our reward to those detecting Doritos with their flavour drones is free drone-delivered Doritos for a year.

Go get 'em!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Review of Buzzfeed Article "We Asked Americans To Taste And Review Canadian Ketchup Chips"

Buzzfeed is a fine publication that rarely resorts to click bait schemes or truth-bending gimmicks like such tawdry rags as the New York Times or the Washington Post. 

When a Buzzfeed writer clicks "publish", you know that there's been some serious editorial vetting that has been done there, and they have checked their facts like a fact-checker checks her or his facts.

So you can imagine my horror when I perused one of their articles, "We Asked Americans To Taste And Review Canadian Ketchup Chips" and saw that not only were Ketchup Doritos second on the list (behind hayseed cousin Ketchup Lays), they didn't have unanimous love and support from the tasters.

Look at this liberal media hyperventilating:
"The Doritos are good — very robust, but slightly metallic."
-Stacy-Marie Ishmael

You can't fit a bag of Ketchup Doritos in skinny jeans, so Brett felt this way...
"I definitely didn’t hate it. Although, there’s no way they can match the classic Cool Ranch. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
-Brett Vergara

Still, some of the tasters had the right idea. 
-Krystie Yandoli

Until Buzzfeed publishes a retraction and a full apology to the Ketchup Doritos family, we will officially be reading their competitor Clickhole

[Breaking NEWS: Now have to run and call my Internet Security Consultant, as I'm being told that our publication has been hacked by the horrible hacker group Anonymous, the ones who keep picking on the Church of Scientology.]

($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$) ANONYMOUSHACK!!!- let the truth be told ($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)

Beware of  The Far Right.

Make a right turn.

Then make another right turn so you are far right.

Where are you now?

In the opposite direction. But not left. Just equally apart from left as your initial right (view).

So I know what I do. And I will turn around again and as I do it, I would try and find a reason why I evaded my (republican) views.

In Innu culture, they have no word for beginning and end. There is simply a time when it will come again. Their language was cyclical.

Ketchup Doritos - Have We Forgotten About the Children?

The Liberal Media loves to trumpet about how North American kids are getting too heavy. They are just too darn well fed, I guess.

The truth is, nobody knows how much we should really eat. It's a fact.

I don't want any of our true-blue American tots to be deprived of life, liberty, or the pursuit of crunchiness, especially when so many of them will have to serve in our armed forces once President Trump declares war on Iran or Pakistan or Mexico in 2017.

And as long as some Ivory Tower Latté Hilleral keeps ordering me--through their Media Mouthpiece NPR, using Government Tax Dollars no less--to switch to Quinoa or some sort of jungle root being advertised as a sexual stimulant in the New Yorker, I will stick to my guns and enjoy the only food that makes me feel truly complete.

Ketchup Doritos, obviously. I can't believe you even paused to think of other candidates.

I think that Trump winning the GOP nomination can only bode well for Americans, as the Frito-Lay CEO probably plays golf with Donald from time to time, and the Next President will be able to decree that Ketchup Doritos will be named America's new pastime and also hopefully used to decorate our Proud Nation's $20 bill.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Saturday morning at Campaign Headquarters

Saturday morning was an unholy fiesta of cleaning our campaign headquarters and waiting on our landlord and a plumber to reattach the drain pipe beneath our kitchen sink.

Hashtag SaintHenriproblems.

Boy, I can not wait until they sell this place, increase my rent and automize the whole process so in the future I can save the one hour of my day I am spending here supervising. While they chatted in Russian as he unpacked his tools, I dashed over to the dépanneur to restock my supply of Ketchup Doritos.

En route, I stopped at a Café Baci's for two coffees as my Bodum was held hostage for the time being, one with cream and the other milk. The aroma of the coffee brewing in the café was crisp and bright, like a finely baked Ketchup Dorito. My mind was left to wander.

The Doritos snack is a perfect balance of flavours. It leaves a memory of deliciousness lingering on the brain rather than submitting to salt or another single, one-track taste that only insults your tongue with its dominance and makes you regret even eating the one.

As the barista presented the cups, I asked if they sold Doritos to save another trip and a balancing act of hot coffee but the hipster said they only served, "real food."

"Whatever, knitted sweater," I mumbled under my breath but I would have said out loud if I had to do it again. I gave one last, "good day" while trying to memorize the intricate needlework so I could ask a friend to make me one and then left.

The morning was nearly over when I had some time to myself to read the news. One article focused on an announcement President Obama made in early March of his intention to stay in Washington while his daughter finishes high school. Fox went on to question his real motives for staying in D.C. after his term. Was he going to keep in contact with government and if so, to what degree? Would the public be informed and should the public have a voice on the issue? Questions were being fired off as were opinions from the educated and informed readers of their news source.

Most other articles were about Donald Trump. He should write a book on how to run a campaign.[editor's update: Donald is currently writing a book called, The Art of the Campaign, and stated they will be making it a TV show later next year if it does not interfere with his presidential duties.]

Unlike the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos!, the campaign for Republican nominee has come to an end.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Factory Doritos Dust Grows to Unmanagable Proportions

Chaos and confusion met some lost Okies travelling down the coast of California this morning as they bore witness to what was described as giant rainbow clouds sweeping up the black asphalt and brown seed that used to cover the landscape.

What is the fate of a people who flee their homes from nature's plight? Does the pace of progress prevent them from ever getting there? Some say it reminded them of how the dust bowl of the dirty thirties looks on a colour TV. Even Woody Guthrie couldn't have guided them through the storm with a song.

They are not seeing through the dust clouds, those Okie. They are selfishly just trying to make money despite what the company may incur if anything happens because of their perseverance. People were wearing gas masks to keep dust out of the eyes or risk going blind in high winds.

"It's as if it follows you," one said.

"There's no escaping it," said another.

It was during the dust bowl years, in fact, when Frito met Lay and, as though it was destiny, were to marry some 30 years later and soon after, give birth to the Doritos corn chip. The present is a trying time for Frito-Lay but my prayers are with them. Maybe a great author will write a book about this tragedy and it will overshadow the triteness of anything about grapes.

Over the course of a day it seems, enough "Doritos dust" can gather inside the factory during production and then escape through the exhaust to the outside world.

Where was the Greek god Aeolus, keeper of the winds, when Dorothy needed him and where is he now?

Some immediately wondered whether the dust was a case of the Doritos flavouring in epic proportions considering their destination was the prosperous FritoLay factory and their journey's end was nearing.

The balls obstructed the ability of the farmer's to tend to the fields where the corn is grown. It forced the decision-makers travelling by car to inch by, sweating through their neckties from a combination of work pressure and the hot leather seats. One can sympathize with the company for not yet having spoken publicly and places further importance on the success of the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos!

The company is trying to target the flavours causing the formation of more or larger balls than others, if indeed any stand out in an attempt to minimize economic loss by slowing manufacturing. Ironically, production inadvertently slowed as workers struggled to get to work and tend to the production line.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Queen of Clubs and King of Diamonds Play a Poker Game

This election has Hillary and Trump held up in a poker game where both of them are claiming to have a queen card and Trump is accusing Hillary of bluffing.

Manhattan boy Trump was disappointed after the first few hands of the game understandable when you find out he thought it was going to be a game of strip poker with an unlimited supply of Ketchup Doritos.

To find only one bowl of KD at the card table seemed to be an intentional misstep but in hindsight, may be reflective of their limited supply due to their clever award-winning marketing. Is it any wonder why Trump would like Ketchup Doritos? Though there was no direct mention of the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos directly, I can say the bowl was completely emptied and it did seem to have limited the atmosphere after it was finished.

The lack of discussions on the fate of Canada's veteran (chips) could be due to the absence of any talk at all on Canada-U.S. relations during the heated match. The wall, however, was a topic that kept rearing its sexy head. I am with Donald on this one, we'll have a great wall and actually it can be a good-looking wall, as wall go. But who is it going to look like?

The statement made by James Klein, wall-to-wall Trump, was brought up and clarified as being made in reference to where his support lies in the presidential race, not in response to what he would like the U.S.-Mexican border to resemble once constructed. The delegate of the 5th Congressional District is not far off on what the wall is going to look like or should I say who.

The wall may just be a who and not a what and much like this presidential race, the choice is down to two. The wall will either reach the height of 2 Donald Trump replicas, one standing on the head of the other reaching 3.6m or 3.66m if the replicas are the rumoured to be Paul Wall. (Paul Wall is a notable dirty south rapper and supposed name behind Donald Trump's most recent mysterious big investment).

The next few hands were played while discussing the meaning of democracy and reasons why socialism is not ruling the roost. Donald was quoted saying, the working class inaction is because the workers themselves are capable of judging the merits of socialism and have found them wanting.

After a full house granting him the game, he said that just because workers consent to their unique position in the capitalist economy does not mean they are delusional about the existing system, akin to a mushroom growing in the dark and being fed b.s. I rather liked the term strategic rationality in the choice the workers have made to not overthrow capitalism. I respect that they understand their predicament.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

America Brings the Pain

Either you live in a world where a girl named Alice chases you around while you take these little squares of mint you are starting to realize are not Listerine tabs, either that, or you understand what most Americans want and that is an eye-for-an-eye mentality from a leader in charge who will act on this mentality.

I don't have to tell you that man is Donald J. Trump.  Don't hate the man, hate the people he represents. America is The World's Leading Nation and Americans always strive be the best, so why not be the best torturers?

Trump said he would go a lot further than waterboarding. With this sentiment, Ketchup Doritos is holding a poll on Trump's behalf to determine the most favourable forms of torture according to the American people with Trump eagerly awaiting the results.


Peruse the following methods of torture and send one (1) list ONLY with your top five (5) choices, one (1) being most favourable to our mailing list. Happy voting!

1. Brazen Bull:
The terrorist is placed inside of a hollow bronze replica of a bull where cries from inside are made to sound like sounds from a bull.

2. The rack
Limbs are pulled apart.

3. Coffin torture
Placed into a cage in the public square where crows come and pick at your flesh

4. Tongue terror
 A screw attached to a tongue clamp closes down on the tongue, the more the screw is turned, the further the clamp is tightened.

5. Scaphism
A execution method from Ancient Persia whereby you strip the person naked, put them in a hollow log and feed them honey and milk to induce diarrhea. they were then covered in honey and thrown in a pond left to float where insects would devour them alive.

6. The Gridiron
A metal grid with a fire underneath that would cook a person alive.

7. Flaying
Removing one layer or more layers of skin exposing muscle and even bone to the elements. Death in this manner can be very prolonged and was usually the result of infections or blood loss.

8. Execution by bamboo - tying a person atop bamboo and allowing the bamboo to grow through the person, literally.

Will the results show a comeback of the Spanish donkey or the Brazen Bull? Or perhaps Persian Scaphism? If you voted for death by bamboo growth, it is true that currently America does not have the resources for this torture method but Trump is thought to be working on a trade deal to import from a Chinese source in return for an agreement to not use this method on any of their citizens. Let the Voters choose Their torture.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Feel the Burn? I'd rather chill with Chillary

Republicans are known for standing their ground. We do not flip flop our morals and beliefs from one debate to the next simply because we were caught on tape, now do we? Nor do we call out each other but rather stand together, a party akin to a family with a four year supply of Ketchup Doritos.

And it is that spirit I extend to one's voting predilections. So why then, should it be surprising that one had to indicate back on October 9th which way you were going to swing in order to vote today in the democratic primary? Have your views changed from further education in reading, conversing over time, new information, blah blah blah WWJD?

But I must remember that the fight tonight is not even my fight. If and only if, I had to choose between feeling the two, I would choose to chill with Chillary over feeling the Burn.

Some Bernie supporters have said that they were unable to get to their polling stations to which I respond, on a day as important as this I would have advised to take a limo. That would solve the problem and you would arrive in style.

Another nail in the tire came from the group of underage teens stating their intention to vote in today's primary. Some reporters were describing the cohort of Bernie supporters too young to vote today as children away from their parents and family. I encourage you that I will not let Bernie lure underage voters and defame the constitution. That is why, Ketchup Doritos will be supplying the Hillary campaign with a limited supply to give out to children seen on the voting sites and encourage them to follow the laws of the USA while being escorted out by the military security.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Change comes when you take your top off

I went to the Bernie rally in New York where I had the privilege of meeting one of the attendees. We started talking and I asked her if I may interview her about her political views. She is a Bernie enthusiast and is convinced, "he will help her out of the rubble." Here is our conversation.

Me: How do you feel about Bernie Sanders stating the change does not come from the top down?

Mimi: I would take my top off for Bernie Sanders, if he asked me to and I would show him that change does come. I mean, he already asked Hillary, and I am way younger than her.

Me: To put this in context, are there others, for whom you would disrobe?

Mimi: Let's just say that I am safe. There were risky times and one of those times I peed and felt the burn.

Me: Oh, ok. Happy to hear you are better. On a different vine, how do you think operations are structured at Frito-Lay? Are you familiar with the company?

Mimi: If you are asking me if I like Doritos then, way. Way! Am I going to get some now?

Me: We can arrange that. How do you think they get the seasoning on the golden, decadent, Doritos corn chip?

Mimi: I watched a show when they showed that the seasonings were sprinkled from the top.

Me: Indeed. Did you enjoy it?

Mimi: Oh yea.

More of Mimi's interview and one other supporter to come.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Presidential Race Day: what you need to know

Wisconsin hates Trump.

The People's anger is on the table. The people will either choose to have their anger taken down a dark alley and roughed up, albeit victorious in the end under Donald Trump or choose to have their anger turned into resolve by nicely rolling it into little playdough balls to squeeze at the office or to shape into alicorns to adorn the top of horses as it was meant to be along with Mitt Romney.

Ketchup Doritos will be available at most polling stations for around $5 per bag. Fruit and vegetables will also be available for $30 per item.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Marco Rubio gets back the Ketchup Doritos he paid for

Marco Rubio knew exactly what he was doing when he entered a small corner store on Sunday, he wanted to buy a bag of Ketchup Doritos. The corner store he entered was not random, it was the US test location for the new flavour of corn chip and Rubio wanted to try them to see if he and the chip liked one another.

But a few hours after purchasing them - a lifetime in the mind of a true Ketchup Doritos lover - Marco Rubio had not only NOT tried the flavour, he had involved himself in somewhat of a court battle trying to get back the chips he legitimately paid for after he failed to take them with him when he left the store.

Rubio's defense claimed that during this visit he first learned of the flavour's limited time availability from reading the bag (and shortly after, here). He said that though it appeared as though he forfeited them by leaving them in the store to be purchased by someone else, he was rather in a state of disillusionment as to the circumstance he found himself in and that he did not know what he was doing.

So which is it? Does he or does he not know what he is doing?

He later argued that he has the right to the Ketchup Doritos via proof of purchase and stated that he was very careful in keeping the receipt so there can be no sustained allegations of foul play.

Marco Rubio will have his Ketchup Doritos returned to him in the forthcoming days. I am sure he is happy to see this story turn out much like the one with his delegates being returned to him after he suspended his campaign.

So congrats, Rubio, you are two for two, at least on what I have been paying attention to.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Canuck Tomato-Folk Grateful to Yankee Wealthy for Saving their Economy

Ketchup production is big business but who's business is it?

The beneficiaries in the Tomato-Ketchup marriage depend on who you look at but, overall, we can safely say that only for America the scenery never changes, it is the lead horse riding off into the tomato fields. The rest of us are stuck at home watching Fried Green Tomatoes (again) and still wondering what the secret ingredient is in the sauce.

At least this holds true for Hunt's. Thankfully, the sweetener is back to high fructose corn syrup after America came along to save those poor Canucks with their crazy table sugar and their health how-tos on eating better. You have to give the customer what they want, right?

No other story could warm the hearts of job creators around the world than to read about the American capitalization of the Canadian Ketchup industry. While we here at the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos were concerned that this change might impact the cost of Ketchup Doritos, but our research indicates that this won't impact the supply of our KD. Apparently there is more MSG than dehydrated tomato in the ingredients so the tomato supply needed for the Canadian supply of KD is minimal. We still love them.

But don't feel sorry for those wacky Canadians. In fact, many of the blue-collar workers of Southern Ontario are thanking their new American bosses for stepping in and saving their cushy jobs, some even with glamorous bouquets of Doritos Ketchup Roses.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Ketchup Doritos Are the Flower without Flour

The mainstream media has covered up a lot of big news in their day. Let's be serious here.

Remember when Saddam's statue fell? The Iraqi people were all dancing like Baghdad was Studio 54 and what did we hear from our so-called "embedded" journalists?

Nothing but stories about roadside bombings or tales of systemic torture by our Brave Troops versus the enemy combatants.

We may have gotten Iraq sorted out but there's still a lot we have to do to make our country whole again. Some of it MAY involve electing a Billionaire named Trump (but that depends on how many Wall-Building companies one might invest in, on Wall Street) or maybe we should just focus on the small things like showing our loved ones we care for them.

What better way to show your estranged wife that you want to reconcile, and that Julio was but an aberration, than to send her a bouquet of Ketchup Doritos? They would soften the heart of a diamond if such a compressed piece of carbon could taste and possibly chew them for a period of time.

But no, our schmernalists from the Fourth Estate (or is it the Fifth Column?) chose to write a handful of articles about the Ketchup Doritos bouquet. Thanks for the lack of sunlight. Our little plant will grow in this dim space.

Ketchup Doritos are here for a limited time only. Let's change that before our Country gets changed by Them.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Syrians are migrating to North America to eat Ketchup Doritos

I speak the truth. Syrians are coming here, to North America, and they are coming here to eat KD. And in numbers! Syrians are coming to a state (or province) near you! I mean, it's huge. It's incredible, really.

So is it any wonder why the Global Language Monitor's annual survey cited, "migrant crisis", as last year's top phrase? An honourable second was awarded to, "Ketchup Doritos", for its widespread popularity and frequent usage thought the better part of last year and now (through this forum), I'll tell ya, the beginnings of this year and what looks to be a long friendship into the future. 

And I know what you are going to say (even though I shouldn't care because I won't be there when you say it), you are going to say many studies are commissioned to rank word usage, Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year being your notable example, and their word is not migrant crisis.

And I would respond by saying that that study in particular has no credibility on word choice because they're weak and they followed the technicological trend of yesteryear. The year before last, the word chosen was, "vape", and the most recent year, the word chosen was the emoji, "face with tears of joy". A technological advancement it may be but they're missing it. 

The movement of what some commentators have referred to in the hundreds of millions of refugees is from the Middle East to Europe as well as North African countries. The migration is cited as the largest migration of a people (predominantly Syrians & Afghanis) since WWII and North America is next.

So why are they not seeking their neighbours? 

The reason Syrians are not fleeing to the Gulf states closer to home is because they don't have Ketchup Doritos and hence, freedom. Despite the news that moving to Dubai can have astronomical costs, simply allowing the Middle East to have access to Ketchup Doritos would eliminate their need to migrate.

Ironically, even though future President Trump will likely legalize Ketchup Doritos in the USA as one of his first acts of office, his actions may just foment even more immigration and the crisis will surely grow.

Now at this time let us look onto Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who says that you get back what you give out, so you should plant as many "seeds" as possible if you want a garden (or even a wall) to grow.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Trump makes Civilization V great again

He has been busy.

And just when you thought you knew exactly what he was doing (recently joining the campaign to make Ketchup Doritos great again as well as the ongoing presidential campaign) Donald Trump has also been Making Civilization V great again for over a year now.

Why? Because he can and if you download the mod, you can help him. Want to know what's in store? A recent article discusses the perks of choosing the dictator to rule. You can act out all of his microagressions and prepare for the reality if he is chosen by the American people.

And it is either a moot point for a laugh, or a serious look through the lens of a particular political ideology when I cite that microaggression and Donald J. Trump ranked the top word and top name for 2015 in the Global Language Monitor's annual survey. Whether they were always coupled to one another in the same sentence referring to each other I cannot say.

Happy gaming.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

GOP Candidate Report Card

Democracy is dancing and twirling like a drunken ballerina in America right now and the citizens in the crowd are eating it up like delicious Ketchup Doritos.

But who is a True Conservative? Who will save us from the Socialist Potato-Chip Conspiracy propagated by the willy-nilly Liberal Chiperati Left?

My Editor has reminded me that Canada is the only place in North America given the (obviously) God-Given Right to enjoy the salty ketchup smile of KD legally, but I am resolute in my belief that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump will step in and make some REAL change happen.

We all know that the President talks a good game, but while he was off studying in Indonesia, how many Doritos bags did he encounter? Was he busy eating local varieties of potato chips? Maybe experimenting with spiced baked pita pieces? My Mother once told me what happens to folks who go that way. I won't use that sort of language in a proper article in front of distinguished company like yourselves.

Voting means being informed, so here is a Report Card of the GOP candidates which rates them on their position on the Campaign To SAVE KETCHUP DORITOS.

TRUMP= 20%

Trump has some sort of mental block against the Mexican People, almost like an invisible internal cosmic wall that was paid for by Paranoia and the Racist Sisters (amazing band BTW). A Mexican invented Doritos. Ketchup Doritos would not even be POSSIBLE if Trump had been President when Doritos and Ketchup made love.

CRUZ= 80%

Cruz came out strongly during the Iowa Caucuses (and even the debate!) against ethanol (meaning CORN) subsidies which encourage the use of corn-derived fuels by using tax dollars to put money in the pockets of wealthy oil companies. While I am completely in favour of free enterprise, I don't appreciate the price of corn being driven up by greedy oil men at the expense of good, Honest, God-fearing American companies like Frito-Lay Inc. which impacts their corporate profits and their long-term ROI for the well-heeled classy gents who own them in Monaco or maybe the Caiman Islands.
In a nutshell, Ketchup Doritos cost would go down if Ethanol was gone, meaning Cruz is sort of a star candidate.

RUBIO= 37%

Rubio is an attractive candidate, and I'm not just talking about his finely shaped rear legislative chamber. He votes where his mouth is, and he feels his heart is in his head, right beside the central processing unit that controls his breathing and voluntary movements. While having an affinity for the mechanical apparatuses that churn out Doritos without fail day after day, powered only by 120 volts and 10 amps of sheer will, Rubio hasn't really come out in favor of Ketchup Doritos being legalized in America. But don't think that Marco Rubio doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's ignoring Ketchup Doritos, and that's a bigger mistake than the time he said that Ronald Reagan had ridiculously small genitals.


Kasich is from Ohio and who can fuck with Ohio? Not me, certainly not me. While the rest of the GOP hates him and thinks he's some sort of commie liberal hippie scum-sucker, his views on Doritos haven't really been clear. The Frito-Lay Company donated a tidy sum to his re-election fund, so we have to give him some sort of number.


Just before bed, I read to him and said... "Carson was a doctor from a sleepy town called somewhere down and we sang our songs and walked along until we slept a sleep and dreamed the dreams of starry-sky shhhhh shhhh shhhhh e.e. Cummings was a big fan of Doritos...Or was it Dylan


Donald Trump is Big Brother to Frito Kid

The Frito Kid may be back. And for a worthy cause.

Nineteen sixty-seven was an eventful year. It was the last time Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup against the Montreal Canadiens and the year the Frito Kid made his retirement from Fritos centre stage eclipsed by a new product mascot for Fritos corn chips, the racist and fairly offensive - although unware to them at inception - stereotype of a mexican, Frito Bandito.

The Frito kid wants to use his quarters earned from the Klondike mine to make the Fritos mascot great again and thinks the campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is just the ticket!

What is the motivation behind the Frito Kid's actions? Could it be the Kid got word from one of Kanye West's tweets at his NYFW show or a thumbs up for the campaign during a Fox News broadcast and, as the original mascot of the company, has since deemed it worthy to spearhead the initiative? Or maybe he couldn't live any longer in a world where many are still upset by his successor's job in office, the notorious and unforgettable, Bandito?

The Frito kid is known for his appearance with his cowboy attire and his golden hair tossed about on his head. He made his way in the Klondike one purchase at a time shouting pronouncements like, "Dig those chips, dig that gold, dig those chips of corn." And he always liked those who thought the same as him, "Someone else knows what's good. Another bag of Fritos, Klondike."

So how is Donald able to make America great again and why does the Kid think he could follow suit?

The origins of both public figures are rooted in the same field. How the Trumps Struck Klondike Gold was published in 2012 while the CBC as well as The Globe and Mail ran both ran articles as recent as last September on the origins of the Trump's fortune.

You may be hearing new jingles about Ketchup Doritos by the Kid if he invested his fortunes from the Fritos Klondike well. After all, he has had big brother to watch and learn how it's done.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

No More Sleep, I've Got KD Dust on my Cheeks

I am Philip Shearing, AKA Jeremy Brendan. I used to be a blogger and wrote a couple of hundred articles/interviews/reviews/political op-eds between the years 2003 to 2007.

Writing for some is like watching the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, with these lucky ducks able to observe the deluge of ideas and dreams that course forth, only having to go to the trouble of jotting them down as they flow past. This has been documented to make less prolific authors jealous, malcontent, or even in some cases suicidal.

I was never blessed with that flood--I had to consciously try to write every day, or at least get sufficiently sauced on cheap House ale and carry around a pretentious little notebook with a Bic Pen, tawdry notes back and forth with buxom classmates on the back pages--so going into what I am afraid to call blog-hibernation in the years since then was a blessed relief.

Today, that sleep will end. I have found a cause that gently swept the harp in my heart, the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos (KD). [Note of disclosure: I'm also in love with the other half of this blog and we live together, but that does not temper my deep and undying affection for KD.] 

We are demonstrating today the beginning of what I hope will prove to be an exponential curve (1 blogger becomes 2 becomes 4 and so on) to drive the cause forward, to guarantee that our children and our children's children can all enjoy Ketchup Doritos without fear of reprisal or state sanction.

Join us in this great cause. Donate if you can.

Doritos are made from corn, not potato.

It has happened! My first mention on another blog!

At first, I  thought the author of this article appeared to understand my cause and dedication to seeing the Save Ketchup Doritos! Campaign move forward. My excitement from this recognition has been stifled by the insincerity the author appears to have once you finish the read. There was no consultation, the article was devoid of references, and the facts inaccurate. Say it ain't so. 

We have seen it many times before: a true fact becomes of interest to the people and as it grows, especially if the rate is high or exponential, the more distorted and altered the facts become until they are, well, not facts at all. 

What is terribly important about this article is the botched description of my education, writing that I am earning an MA in phamacology. Here is a link to my MSc thesis from the University of Toronto libraries in cell biology. I am presently in pursuit of the cure for Alzheimer's Disease (in addition to my championing the fight to save the new KD).

The more time I spent thinking of it though, the more I wondered what an MA in pharmacology would study? Maybe be the visual piece of the puzzle in teaching and communicating the study of pharma? But this is a moot point here.

The writing seems to lack a certain respect for personal relationships. the article recalls a time when I had a stint drumming in my boyfriend's band. Our respectful decision to separate love and profession in this band (we are in a band together called Muffin Cup) was written about casually as a quarrel about an encore (and who would care about this fact anyway?) The author also hurried the upcoming release of Paddle to the Sea's first album to this week?!! I am not sure when it is but no date of release has been announced.

Stay tuned music lovers. 

While some are making tracks, others are losing their facts.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Ketchup Doritos: the new kid on the block

I knew it was going to get ugly. I anticipated a divide that I would soon see separating families and lovers, neighbours and co-workers. Canadians were turning on one another in an effort to Save the KD chip, at least for another year if they won the grand prize of the new game on the block put out by Doritos to see how deep your love is for the flavour (

I was handling my internal struggle of the situation quite fine but what I didn't anticipate and what I could not have imagined occurred next. The extent of depravity felt by Americans south of the boarder from the lack of KD (new acronym of KD meaning Ketchup Doritos) in their lives, even if it was going to cause the same internal fights as it is doing in Canada, was enormous and is only getting larger. Maybe it is because a lack of access to something desired seems like a limitation of freedom, especially when there's a flavour-embrace of the Doritos occurring just across nation-wide lines that seems to be rubbing it in their faces.

What will happen next?

Do I have the same favourite flavour of Doritos as a killer?

I was conducting research in my campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos! and I stumbled upon the precise description of a series of items desired for a man on death row's last meal:

"Biros also ordered his last meal: a cheese pizza with extra cheese, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, deep-fried onion rings and mushrooms with ketchup, Doritos chips with French onion dip, cherry pie, blueberry ice cream, and Dr. Pepper" (

It is clear from the article that ketchup (for his mushrooms?) and Doritos were among the foods he wanted to eat for his final meal. What is not so clear, but certainly possible, is which flavour he had in mind for his Doritos and whether it was ketchup that he ate that day in 2009.

If ketchup was his chosen accompaniment to have with the deep-fried mushroom, it is plausible that he had the flavour in mind as the seasoning for the beloved deep-fried corn chip.

Was ketchup available as a flavour in '09? And even if it was not, I still have to ask myself,

"If my campaign is successful, am I also saving the Ketchup Doritos for the next crim's last meal?"

On a side note and what is also interesting from researching this Doritos-loving yet also killer-man's last meal is that there is a blog that tracks the last meal of those on death row called Dead Man Eating ( There is a lot more one could say about this blog but in another place.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Favourite Doritos Flavours Poll

What is the coolest Doritos flavour?

You can see the passion extended to our cherished Ketchup Doritos and the commitment people have in fighting for the "freedom to eat 'em." Now before you go and retweet that turn of phrase simply because it rhymes, let me make my case for the Ketchup Doritos by a review.

Cool Ranch gets votes right out of the opening gate for being the flavour most popular in current polls (included in this category are any other variations on the Cool name). I have heard them being called Cool American or Cool Original or Cool ... whatever. The point is that they're inferior and yet they're number one. They are killing us. They are beating us in every aisle of every supermarket and, I will tell you what, it is because they have deregulated distribution in the international market. Unbridled success. And we are going to get it for Ketchup Doritos.

Cool Ranch loses votes upon closer examination for its flavour name. The word cool in its original use signified an emotional sadness or even more extreme such as an act of antisocial violence.  That word changed its tune from the likeability of one man, Lester Young the progenitor and epitome of the term, after which it was used to describe a hip vibe akin to a defiant jazz musician parading around with his Whacky Tobaccy. Emotionally sad or violent Doritos would have never sold. Since when is a language fluid and ever-evolving? Latin and Greek didn't put up with that but they are dead.

All the cool flavours have the same ingredients listed and claim to taste identical, the only difference being their name. Are we suppose to succumb solely to the chemical combinations dancing on our tongue and simply ask, what's in a name? I'll tell you what's in a name, Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon if you ascribe to the Baconian theory of Shakespeare authorship), and the answer is everything. Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to avoid things just based on their description. I don't even think I have seen a Cool American ever appreciating the setting of a Cool Ranch. The multiple names of the Cool Ranch flavour may as well be a CCC, a Cool Ranch Conspiracy.

All of the other flavours are losers and not worth mentioning. We need to focus on the Ketchup Doritos as the lead dog. The campaign has to run as smoothly as one's own funeral and just like it, you want reassurance from a longstanding name giving you peace of mind and reinforcing that that they know what they're doing. You don't want it to be a situation where there's only a stack of bologna on a table with no fork. You want to see some Ketchup Doritos on the table.

Don't forget to vote!

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Citizens of the World

Albert Camus said he was not just a citizen of France, but one of the world. I am calling on all citizens of the world to join together and describe their experiences meeting, greeting and ideally eating flavourful Ketchup Doritos.

Share your stories, we want your voices to be heard! We can make a difference if we all sing in unison. Ketchup Doritos are our birthright!


Will Donald Trump support the KD Cause if they wish him a Merry Christmas?

I conducted a search to find other coveted flavours of Doritos that are discontinued or are available somewhere just not everywhere. I hoped to speak to their mourners with whom I could find inspiration and garner the tools to drive on in the "KD Cause", or at the very least some solace.

I read many stories of past flavour flings and saw instgrams of flavours isolated here and there.

Donald Trump would love the Crispy Salmon flavour from Japan as it wishes the consumer a Merry Christmas from the words clearly visible on the outside packaging. Then again, are Doritos a tad too Mexican for Donald?

Cool Ranch Conspiracy

Flavours come and go, but Cool Ranch, Zesty Cheese, and Nacho Cheese seem to be the Three Musketeers, the 3 Amigos, or any other trinity one might find (Father/Son/Holy Spirit?)

Where is the Cool Ranch, and how do we get there? Are Zesty and Nacho brothers? Do they live at the Cool Ranch? Or is the Cool Ranch just a metaphor for chips that taste like Cool Ranch?

Will there ever be a flavour as Cool as the one that bears the adjective?

Save Ketchup Doritos!

All across Canada, many people are asking themselves why Ketchup Doritos are apparently "available for a limited time only." Is there a shortage of Ketchup flavouring in the Canadian (we presume) Doritos factory? Has someone sabotaged their supply chain, thereby reducing the quantities needed to fulfill the incredible demand for Ketchup Doritos? Has the whole world gone mad?