Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Send In The Clowns

A lot has happened in the walled town on a hill we call America in the last month, and more is to come.

Nazis have been having candlelit hate dinners in the park and that's just the start, but luckily Tiki brand torches is speaking out. The day after that torch stroll through scenic Charlottesville, Nazis and anti-Nazis yelled at each other a whole bunch, although one Nazi wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing as he showed up wearing the wrong Team Hat, proudly marching with the Nazis wearing a logo of a military unit that fought the original Nazis.

Meanwhile, North Korea has been launching missiles at random and successfully tested its first 
hydrogen bomb, all while the United States, Korea, and Japan have their militaries driving in circles.
Donald Trump has tried to make North Korea see reason, offering them "fire and fury" and "frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before", but the North Korean famine of the 90s seems to have put an insatiable hunger for Ketchup Doritos in their national belly and they seem to be willing to toast the world to get them.

On the plus side, the Clowns, are planning a march on Washington for the 16th of September. They will be sharing a protest site with the Nazis, so we can expect fireworks, smiles, and violence as there is nothing clowns hate more than angry faces.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

A tired Trump writes covfefe, means cicadas

When President Trump tweeted the word, covfefe, he was trying to type, cicadas, as he was in the midst of deciding, like great deciders before him, how a Great America can have its cicadas run on time and he was tired. Some of the insects have been off schedule, which the world is attempting to address through the Paris Accord, an environmental pact that the President has come out against repeatedly. When the cicadas emerge and drones their love, many people experience problems sleeping. The Donald of Donalds knows better than anyone how important sleep is for the brain, having sang a lullaby to the Secretary of Commerce in an address on the dangers to the world's Ketchup Doritos supply from terrorists, and is determined to schedule the cicadas the way nature intended. Only by knowing when we will have our sleep interrupted by loud insect music can America have the stable foundation it needs to build its walls.

According to culinary legend, cicadas were instrumental for the first known Ketchup Doritos. A ketchup truck and a liquefied natural Doritos tanker were travelling in a convoy when they came to a swarm of cicadas that had chosen to occupy that stretch of highway. The first truck lost control when the crushed insect bodies gummed up its treads, jackknifing and causing the tanker to collide spilling the mixed contents out over the highway. The drivers were still arguing about who was at fault when one of the cleanup crew noticed the hot sun had baked in a cicada's shell. After tasting the first Ketchup Doritos chip in human history, Frito-Lay quickly took legal responsibility for the crash. That's how the Ketchup Doritos chip was born, we owe it all to the type of hero that will make America great again by having the fortitude to eat a chip off the ground. The Hero was recognized and honoured for his contribution, although he recently had to leave his post as National Ketchup Doritos Strategy Advisor due to a campaign by the deep, deep, state and that anti-Ketchup-Doritos coalition.

While Europe concerns itself with boring things like climate change, emissions, and moving to green technology, Donald Trump has one duty to America: To ensure that Ketchup Doritos production remains uninterrupted. That's why he needs to move forward with Cicada Barriers along all highways, keep the insects off the road and on the right schedule. With good sleep, comes greatness.

Monday, May 22, 2017

He needs a seamstress, he seems stressed

They're calling him Cheeto Mussolini but let's be reality, he's the Doritos Berlusconi. They’re on to something but Ketchup Doritos captures his likeness so much more, much like how Trump is recapturing the devastated Ketchup Doritos fields of Syria from the Islamic State.

Back in Time, he was a huckster and demagogue but let's remember that I'm not the one who said it, I just spread it. Fox News noticed the slight made by the usually right-wing mag which got me thinkin': what if I was just thinking one thing over here, and the author's intention was on the other side of the wall?

True, the use of those words today have negative connotations and stand in juxtaposition to their positive usage of yesteryear. Could there could be another explanation for those who see negative criticism in everything Donald Trump does or in any criticism of the man? 

What if the author was writing in the style of the period of ancient Greece and Rome to match the style of the politics and governance of the Trump administration? 

Maybe a populist would have been more kind, certainly less confusing to his followers and Fox News. They don't understand the patricians words even while they spread their love for the point of the pyramid, maybe they should give themselves a Doritos dust masque in hopes that by being like the Donald they could understand the Donald. Or maybe the Donald is too far above and we should settle for these unidimensional views of the man, maybe we just need to crunch down on some Ketchup Doritos and find the same zen-state that Doritos Don has found.

Here's some other synonyms used to refer to Trump that you may want to employ or grapple over or at least prepare yourself for while eating Ketchup Doritos and reading the daily news:

A Republican? 
A businessman? 

Or how about good ol' fashioned president of the United States as this is certainly a reality. 

A conservative? 
An anti-establishment outsider? 

An article reminds us of Trump's own words,
            "...look, I was part of the establishment. Let me explain. I was the establishment two months ago. I was like the fair-haired boy. I was a giver, a big giver. Once I decided to run, all of a sudden I'm sort of semi-anti-establishment."

A celebrity? 
A 21st-century politician? 
An entertainer? 

A Leader, the kind that you find at the bottom of a bag of Ketchup Doritos, a welcome surprise like finding a Ruby at a Bunga Bunga Party.

Frito-Lays Corp has added a folded wall picture to each bag of Ketchup Doritos, so get yours today and decorate your home "action board" today.




Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Mother's Day: from a wild weed to a corn chip need


The need to safeguard the world's supply of ketchup doritos is clear. In the latest threat to ketchup doritos, Valentine's day bouquet's of ketchup doritos roses are sold out, leaving the world with nothing but a DIY guide they left on the barren site of blooming ketchup doritos roses. One can only wonder about the days gone past when fields of ketchup doritos grew wildly and flourished in their natural environment, a time when the world was full of ketchup doritos, a world without these shortages and threats to the hearts and chips of the ketchup doritos loving world.
Now, with Mother's Day on the horizon, and stocks almost replenished, the threat has come again. Already, sales of ketchup doritos rose bouquets are outselling the flower, and why wouldn't they? Roses are ephemeral and all too soon thrown into the garbage bin or left to wither and die in the vase as a shadow of their former self. The only consolidation is their use as compost in the garden thereafter or hair-sprayed for preservation as if the receiver will never be the one to receive them again. Doritos are a steadfast product, tested to last for years unchanged on the shelf. YEARS! 
Prepare for the next event!


[Ed. note: This article was championed by our new investigative reporter, Matthew Anderson]

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Montreal CBC cameraman in search of Ketchup Doritos

In a piece I wrote for JeremyBrendan, I drew attention to an idling CBC van on a warm winter day and questioned the network's commitment to reducing emissions and going green.

Recent developments lead us to believe the cameraman's extended absence from the van was unintentional as he thought he would only be a minute or two at most.  He was in search of a bag of Ketchup Doritos and thought he would pop in and out in no time only to find depanneur after depanneur devoid of the limited time only corn chip.

Now the youngsters with energy and the lefties on welly can spend all day tooting over here and there in search of a snack instead of being hard at work or hard in search of work but what about the suit and tie with no time to spare folks who need to get what they want when they want it!?

It appears that the desire for Doritos has put the lefts and rights on common ground: increase KD availability, decrease carbon emissions.

How wonderful.