Wednesday, February 24, 2016

GOP Candidate Report Card

Democracy is dancing and twirling like a drunken ballerina in America right now and the citizens in the crowd are eating it up like delicious Ketchup Doritos.

But who is a True Conservative? Who will save us from the Socialist Potato-Chip Conspiracy propagated by the willy-nilly Liberal Chiperati Left?

My Editor has reminded me that Canada is the only place in North America given the (obviously) God-Given Right to enjoy the salty ketchup smile of KD legally, but I am resolute in my belief that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump will step in and make some REAL change happen.

We all know that the President talks a good game, but while he was off studying in Indonesia, how many Doritos bags did he encounter? Was he busy eating local varieties of potato chips? Maybe experimenting with spiced baked pita pieces? My Mother once told me what happens to folks who go that way. I won't use that sort of language in a proper article in front of distinguished company like yourselves.

Voting means being informed, so here is a Report Card of the GOP candidates which rates them on their position on the Campaign To SAVE KETCHUP DORITOS.

TRUMP= 20%

Trump has some sort of mental block against the Mexican People, almost like an invisible internal cosmic wall that was paid for by Paranoia and the Racist Sisters (amazing band BTW). A Mexican invented Doritos. Ketchup Doritos would not even be POSSIBLE if Trump had been President when Doritos and Ketchup made love.

CRUZ= 80%

Cruz came out strongly during the Iowa Caucuses (and even the debate!) against ethanol (meaning CORN) subsidies which encourage the use of corn-derived fuels by using tax dollars to put money in the pockets of wealthy oil companies. While I am completely in favour of free enterprise, I don't appreciate the price of corn being driven up by greedy oil men at the expense of good, Honest, God-fearing American companies like Frito-Lay Inc. which impacts their corporate profits and their long-term ROI for the well-heeled classy gents who own them in Monaco or maybe the Caiman Islands.
In a nutshell, Ketchup Doritos cost would go down if Ethanol was gone, meaning Cruz is sort of a star candidate.

RUBIO= 37%

Rubio is an attractive candidate, and I'm not just talking about his finely shaped rear legislative chamber. He votes where his mouth is, and he feels his heart is in his head, right beside the central processing unit that controls his breathing and voluntary movements. While having an affinity for the mechanical apparatuses that churn out Doritos without fail day after day, powered only by 120 volts and 10 amps of sheer will, Rubio hasn't really come out in favor of Ketchup Doritos being legalized in America. But don't think that Marco Rubio doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's ignoring Ketchup Doritos, and that's a bigger mistake than the time he said that Ronald Reagan had ridiculously small genitals.


Kasich is from Ohio and who can fuck with Ohio? Not me, certainly not me. While the rest of the GOP hates him and thinks he's some sort of commie liberal hippie scum-sucker, his views on Doritos haven't really been clear. The Frito-Lay Company donated a tidy sum to his re-election fund, so we have to give him some sort of number.


Just before bed, I read to him and said... "Carson was a doctor from a sleepy town called somewhere down and we sang our songs and walked along until we slept a sleep and dreamed the dreams of starry-sky shhhhh shhhh shhhhh e.e. Cummings was a big fan of Doritos...Or was it Dylan


Donald Trump is Big Brother to Frito Kid

The Frito Kid may be back. And for a worthy cause.

Nineteen sixty-seven was an eventful year. It was the last time Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup against the Montreal Canadiens and the year the Frito Kid made his retirement from Fritos centre stage eclipsed by a new product mascot for Fritos corn chips, the racist and fairly offensive - although unware to them at inception - stereotype of a mexican, Frito Bandito.

The Frito kid wants to use his quarters earned from the Klondike mine to make the Fritos mascot great again and thinks the campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is just the ticket!

What is the motivation behind the Frito Kid's actions? Could it be the Kid got word from one of Kanye West's tweets at his NYFW show or a thumbs up for the campaign during a Fox News broadcast and, as the original mascot of the company, has since deemed it worthy to spearhead the initiative? Or maybe he couldn't live any longer in a world where many are still upset by his successor's job in office, the notorious and unforgettable, Bandito?

The Frito kid is known for his appearance with his cowboy attire and his golden hair tossed about on his head. He made his way in the Klondike one purchase at a time shouting pronouncements like, "Dig those chips, dig that gold, dig those chips of corn." And he always liked those who thought the same as him, "Someone else knows what's good. Another bag of Fritos, Klondike."

So how is Donald able to make America great again and why does the Kid think he could follow suit?

The origins of both public figures are rooted in the same field. How the Trumps Struck Klondike Gold was published in 2012 while the CBC as well as The Globe and Mail ran both ran articles as recent as last September on the origins of the Trump's fortune.

You may be hearing new jingles about Ketchup Doritos by the Kid if he invested his fortunes from the Fritos Klondike well. After all, he has had big brother to watch and learn how it's done.