Wednesday, February 24, 2016

GOP Candidate Report Card

Democracy is dancing and twirling like a drunken ballerina in America right now and the citizens in the crowd are eating it up like delicious Ketchup Doritos.

But who is a True Conservative? Who will save us from the Socialist Potato-Chip Conspiracy propagated by the willy-nilly Liberal Chiperati Left?

My Editor has reminded me that Canada is the only place in North America given the (obviously) God-Given Right to enjoy the salty ketchup smile of KD legally, but I am resolute in my belief that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump will step in and make some REAL change happen.

We all know that the President talks a good game, but while he was off studying in Indonesia, how many Doritos bags did he encounter? Was he busy eating local varieties of potato chips? Maybe experimenting with spiced baked pita pieces? My Mother once told me what happens to folks who go that way. I won't use that sort of language in a proper article in front of distinguished company like yourselves.

Voting means being informed, so here is a Report Card of the GOP candidates which rates them on their position on the Campaign To SAVE KETCHUP DORITOS.

TRUMP= 20%

Trump has some sort of mental block against the Mexican People, almost like an invisible internal cosmic wall that was paid for by Paranoia and the Racist Sisters (amazing band BTW). A Mexican invented Doritos. Ketchup Doritos would not even be POSSIBLE if Trump had been President when Doritos and Ketchup made love.

CRUZ= 80%

Cruz came out strongly during the Iowa Caucuses (and even the debate!) against ethanol (meaning CORN) subsidies which encourage the use of corn-derived fuels by using tax dollars to put money in the pockets of wealthy oil companies. While I am completely in favour of free enterprise, I don't appreciate the price of corn being driven up by greedy oil men at the expense of good, Honest, God-fearing American companies like Frito-Lay Inc. which impacts their corporate profits and their long-term ROI for the well-heeled classy gents who own them in Monaco or maybe the Caiman Islands.
In a nutshell, Ketchup Doritos cost would go down if Ethanol was gone, meaning Cruz is sort of a star candidate.

RUBIO= 37%

Rubio is an attractive candidate, and I'm not just talking about his finely shaped rear legislative chamber. He votes where his mouth is, and he feels his heart is in his head, right beside the central processing unit that controls his breathing and voluntary movements. While having an affinity for the mechanical apparatuses that churn out Doritos without fail day after day, powered only by 120 volts and 10 amps of sheer will, Rubio hasn't really come out in favor of Ketchup Doritos being legalized in America. But don't think that Marco Rubio doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's ignoring Ketchup Doritos, and that's a bigger mistake than the time he said that Ronald Reagan had ridiculously small genitals.

KASICH= 59%

Kasich is from Ohio and who can fuck with Ohio? Not me, certainly not me. While the rest of the GOP hates him and thinks he's some sort of commie liberal hippie scum-sucker, his views on Doritos haven't really been clear. The Frito-Lay Company donated a tidy sum to his re-election fund, so we have to give him some sort of number.

CARSON= 98%

Just before bed, I read to him and said... "Carson was a doctor from a sleepy town called somewhere down and we sang our songs and walked along until we slept a sleep and dreamed the dreams of starry-sky shhhhh shhhh shhhhh e.e. Cummings was a big fan of Doritos...Or was it Dylan

(CARSON DREAMS OF KETCHUP DORITOS)