Tuesday, May 30, 2017

A tired Trump writes covfefe, means cicadas

When President Trump tweeted the word, covfefe, he was trying to type, cicadas, as he was in the midst of deciding, like great deciders before him, how a Great America can have its cicadas run on time and he was tired. Some of the insects have been off schedule, which the world is attempting to address through the Paris Accord, an environmental pact that the President has come out against repeatedly. When the cicadas emerge and drones their love, many people experience problems sleeping. The Donald of Donalds knows better than anyone how important sleep is for the brain, having sang a lullaby to the Secretary of Commerce in an address on the dangers to the world's Ketchup Doritos supply from terrorists, and is determined to schedule the cicadas the way nature intended. Only by knowing when we will have our sleep interrupted by loud insect music can America have the stable foundation it needs to build its walls.

According to culinary legend, cicadas were instrumental for the first known Ketchup Doritos. A ketchup truck and a liquefied natural Doritos tanker were travelling in a convoy when they came to a swarm of cicadas that had chosen to occupy that stretch of highway. The first truck lost control when the crushed insect bodies gummed up its treads, jackknifing and causing the tanker to collide spilling the mixed contents out over the highway. The drivers were still arguing about who was at fault when one of the cleanup crew noticed the hot sun had baked in a cicada's shell. After tasting the first Ketchup Doritos chip in human history, Frito-Lay quickly took legal responsibility for the crash. That's how the Ketchup Doritos chip was born, we owe it all to the type of hero that will make America great again by having the fortitude to eat a chip off the ground. The Hero was recognized and honoured for his contribution, although he recently had to leave his post as National Ketchup Doritos Strategy Advisor due to a campaign by the deep, deep, state and that anti-Ketchup-Doritos coalition.

While Europe concerns itself with boring things like climate change, emissions, and moving to green technology, Donald Trump has one duty to America: To ensure that Ketchup Doritos production remains uninterrupted. That's why he needs to move forward with Cicada Barriers along all highways, keep the insects off the road and on the right schedule. With good sleep, comes greatness.