Monday, May 22, 2017

He needs a seamstress, he seems stressed

They're calling him Cheeto Mussolini but let's be reality, he's the Doritos Berlusconi. They’re on to something but Ketchup Doritos captures his likeness so much more, much like how Trump is recapturing the devastated Ketchup Doritos fields of Syria from the Islamic State.

Back in Time, he was a huckster and demagogue but let's remember that I'm not the one who said it, I just spread it. Fox News noticed the slight made by the usually right-wing mag which got me thinkin': what if I was just thinking one thing over here, and the author's intention was on the other side of the wall?

True, the use of those words today have negative connotations and stand in juxtaposition to their positive usage of yesteryear. Could there could be another explanation for those who see negative criticism in everything Donald Trump does or in any criticism of the man? 

What if the author was writing in the style of the period of ancient Greece and Rome to match the style of the politics and governance of the Trump administration? 

Maybe a populist would have been more kind, certainly less confusing to his followers and Fox News. They don't understand the patricians words even while they spread their love for the point of the pyramid, maybe they should give themselves a Doritos dust masque in hopes that by being like the Donald they could understand the Donald. Or maybe the Donald is too far above and we should settle for these unidimensional views of the man, maybe we just need to crunch down on some Ketchup Doritos and find the same zen-state that Doritos Don has found.

Here's some other synonyms used to refer to Trump that you may want to employ or grapple over or at least prepare yourself for while eating Ketchup Doritos and reading the daily news:

A Republican? 
A businessman? 

Or how about good ol' fashioned president of the United States as this is certainly a reality. 

A conservative? 
An anti-establishment outsider? 

An article reminds us of Trump's own words,
            "...look, I was part of the establishment. Let me explain. I was the establishment two months ago. I was like the fair-haired boy. I was a giver, a big giver. Once I decided to run, all of a sudden I'm sort of semi-anti-establishment."

A celebrity? 
A 21st-century politician? 
An entertainer? 

A Leader, the kind that you find at the bottom of a bag of Ketchup Doritos, a welcome surprise like finding a Ruby at a Bunga Bunga Party.

Frito-Lays Corp has added a folded wall picture to each bag of Ketchup Doritos, so get yours today and decorate your home "action board" today.




Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Mother's Day: from a wild weed to a corn chip need


The need to safeguard the world's supply of ketchup doritos is clear. In the latest threat to ketchup doritos, Valentine's day bouquet's of ketchup doritos roses are sold out, leaving the world with nothing but a DIY guide they left on the barren site of blooming ketchup doritos roses. One can only wonder about the days gone past when fields of ketchup doritos grew wildly and flourished in their natural environment, a time when the world was full of ketchup doritos, a world without these shortages and threats to the hearts and chips of the ketchup doritos loving world.
Now, with Mother's Day on the horizon, and stocks almost replenished, the threat has come again. Already, sales of ketchup doritos rose bouquets are outselling the flower, and why wouldn't they? Roses are ephemeral and all too soon thrown into the garbage bin or left to wither and die in the vase as a shadow of their former self. The only consolidation is their use as compost in the garden thereafter or hair-sprayed for preservation as if the receiver will never be the one to receive them again. Doritos are a steadfast product, tested to last for years unchanged on the shelf. YEARS! 
Prepare for the next event!


[Ed. note: This article was championed by our new investigative reporter, Matthew Anderson]