Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The ouster of mascot Frito Bandito has been rescinded

It's hard to find - let alone afford - a ticket to see the Maple Leafs in their home city of Toronto, and yet it was 1967 since they won a Stanley Cup. A great example of good business.

It was a year when America had clear morals, plans and a conviction to execute them as it did when the U.S. military strength increased to a total of over 490,000 personnel, 90% of those involved in the army. Among them was not boxer Muhammad Ali, who refused to enlist and, for his dissidence, was stripped of the World Championship title later that year.

It was also a year when a company such as Fritos, had the freedom and bravery to introduce a mascot like Frito Bandito, peddling their delicious corn chips and marking a time when you could say what you wanted unscathed.

The mascot had endorsed their number one selling snack food successfully for over 40 years and would have continued to do so had the liberal lefties not thought that he was "stealing" the corn chips and was misrepresenting the Mexican people. They began protesting and we had no choice but to fire Mr. Bandito with 2 weeks pay and medical for a year.

So why are so many wondering if Frito Bandito will return to steal our corn chips once more?"

The Mexicans' collective sombrero has been lifted, folks. The siesta is now over.

The decision to rehire Mr. Bandito came after a language correlation analysis by the company. The language of the presidential candidates in the republican debates showed a strong similarity and related likeability to the mascot, Frito Bandito, with the highest correlation among them being Donald Trump. The company thought having Frito Bandito in a commercial with Donald would bring in the biggest bucks and would illustrate Frito simply outsmarting some for their chips, not stealing them, though he would acknowledge some steal but some are good people.

Trump has been speaking out against chip theft and said he will not tolerate it. The Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is mighty happy about that for once we get them, we don't want to worry about having our freedom to eat them taken away.

Friday, May 27, 2016

A bag of Ketchup Doritos could have saved Trayvon Martin's Life

What if Trayvon Martin's intention was to walk into a 7-11, purchase a bag of Ketchup Doritos and a drink and go on his merry way?

A new look into the case suggests why he was found along the neighbourhood watch route of George Zimmerman on the night of February 26, 2012. It seems he was looking to score a bag of Ketchup Doritos when he was fatally shot by the resident who claims he acted in self-defense towards the intruder in his gated community.

In his hands, Trayvon was carrying a bag of Skittles and an Arizona watermelon drink when the incident occurred. What was not in the 7-11 plastic bag however, was a bag of Ketchup Doritos, his ultimate snack.

Sources say Trayvon had heard that the Canadian favourite was being sold in the areas close to where the Doritos corn chip was founded back when it was ok to be free and have a mascot like, Frito Bandito with no repercussions.

[Guest Editor Jeremy Brendan notes: Ketchup Doritos Blog prides itself on supporting the Republican Party, as the GOP typically enjoys Doritos more than the witless Dems who are typically vegan and/or against flavor. The grim reality is, however, that George Zimmerman inhibited Trayvon's right to enjoy Ketchup Doritos. So, with great reluctance, we must say that Black Lives Matter, as long as they're living the American Doritos Dream.]

[Trayvon's psalm: "George Zimmerman will live on and enjoy the right to KD. Why should he walk free? The law was obviously against me. Florida, you see..."]

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Trump's favourite fairy tale inspires wall construction

Recent announcements suggested that Donald Trump is entertaining the idea of the wall "building itself" by making it out of corn and bean stalks.

Jack and the Beanstalk is a favourite of Donald's and with his new commitment to legalizing Ketchup Doritos in the USA, he thought, "why not make it out of the raw ingredients used for the corn chip to minimize production costs?"

On average, a corn plant measures 8 feet tall however, the world record is over 35 feet and USA will aim to achieve that height near the border. If further protection is needed, he suggested flying a few or as many drones for surveillance as needed.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

'Seasoned' drones detect and deliver Ketchup Doritos

The party of the Constitution has been proudly declaring their love of drones publically since their inception.

These little gadgets play a vital role in fighting terrorism, surveillance and protecting our citizens from harms way in the name of freedom, a support upheld by some of the key players of the party. 

Now, like new immigrants in a foreign country or New York street vendors when the weather changes, drones can do whatever this world throws at them, that quality being the main reason they are a top choice in the market.

Versatility equals profitability. Drones as soldiers, drones as surveyors and time-savers, drones as toys, and now drones as spies! 

If someone is here illegally or smuggling goods due to their ability to procure and eat Ketchup Doritos and you are not only envious and jealous but it has motivated you to the vengeful state, use a flavour drone to catch them in action! New technology has made them able to detect the seasonings through any type of material.

I realize some may liken drones to toy guns and raise their hand in objection. With my hand to my heart and to the Constitution, I think a child playing with a toy drone from Toys R Us on a sunny day with a friend can separate the scenario between an army drone - looking identical to their toy drone and shooting real ammunition at unknown people who may or may not be terrorists in a far away country that the operator will probably never visit - and theirs. You may not believe in the children as much as we do but I think you will.

I agree with John McCain, Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman (R-Ariz) when he said, "No one believes you can't use drones anymore. That'd be crazy."

On their website, Best Drones for Kids, they concentrate on ready-to-fly drones that don't require complicated assembly. Little thought prior to flight makes them extra safe for the children of our future.

In a previous Ketchup Doritos' post, we alerted the public to Syrians migrating to North America for Ketchup Doritos. Now they are bringing the snack with them behind the backs of Americans so desperately trying for their legit stay in the U.S. of A.

Our reward to those detecting Doritos with their flavour drones is free drone-delivered Doritos for a year.

Go get 'em!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Review of Buzzfeed Article "We Asked Americans To Taste And Review Canadian Ketchup Chips"

Buzzfeed is a fine publication that rarely resorts to click bait schemes or truth-bending gimmicks like such tawdry rags as the New York Times or the Washington Post. 

When a Buzzfeed writer clicks "publish", you know that there's been some serious editorial vetting that has been done there, and they have checked their facts like a fact-checker checks her or his facts.

So you can imagine my horror when I perused one of their articles, "We Asked Americans To Taste And Review Canadian Ketchup Chips" and saw that not only were Ketchup Doritos second on the list (behind hayseed cousin Ketchup Lays), they didn't have unanimous love and support from the tasters.

Look at this liberal media hyperventilating:
"The Doritos are good — very robust, but slightly metallic."
-Stacy-Marie Ishmael

You can't fit a bag of Ketchup Doritos in skinny jeans, so Brett felt this way...
"I definitely didn’t hate it. Although, there’s no way they can match the classic Cool Ranch. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
-Brett Vergara

Still, some of the tasters had the right idea. 
-Krystie Yandoli

Until Buzzfeed publishes a retraction and a full apology to the Ketchup Doritos family, we will officially be reading their competitor Clickhole

[Breaking NEWS: Now have to run and call my Internet Security Consultant, as I'm being told that our publication has been hacked by the horrible hacker group Anonymous, the ones who keep picking on the Church of Scientology.]

($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$) ANONYMOUSHACK!!!- let the truth be told ($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)($%*()$%+_$)

Beware of  The Far Right.

Make a right turn.

Then make another right turn so you are far right.

Where are you now?

In the opposite direction. But not left. Just equally apart from left as your initial right (view).

So I know what I do. And I will turn around again and as I do it, I would try and find a reason why I evaded my (republican) views.

In Innu culture, they have no word for beginning and end. There is simply a time when it will come again. Their language was cyclical.

Ketchup Doritos - Have We Forgotten About the Children?

The Liberal Media loves to trumpet about how North American kids are getting too heavy. They are just too darn well fed, I guess.

The truth is, nobody knows how much we should really eat. It's a fact.

I don't want any of our true-blue American tots to be deprived of life, liberty, or the pursuit of crunchiness, especially when so many of them will have to serve in our armed forces once President Trump declares war on Iran or Pakistan or Mexico in 2017.

And as long as some Ivory Tower Latté Hilleral keeps ordering me--through their Media Mouthpiece NPR, using Government Tax Dollars no less--to switch to Quinoa or some sort of jungle root being advertised as a sexual stimulant in the New Yorker, I will stick to my guns and enjoy the only food that makes me feel truly complete.

Ketchup Doritos, obviously. I can't believe you even paused to think of other candidates.

I think that Trump winning the GOP nomination can only bode well for Americans, as the Frito-Lay CEO probably plays golf with Donald from time to time, and the Next President will be able to decree that Ketchup Doritos will be named America's new pastime and also hopefully used to decorate our Proud Nation's $20 bill.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Saturday morning at Campaign Headquarters

Saturday morning was an unholy fiesta of cleaning our campaign headquarters and waiting on our landlord and a plumber to reattach the drain pipe beneath our kitchen sink.

Hashtag SaintHenriproblems.

Boy, I can not wait until they sell this place, increase my rent and automize the whole process so in the future I can save the one hour of my day I am spending here supervising. While they chatted in Russian as he unpacked his tools, I dashed over to the dépanneur to restock my supply of Ketchup Doritos.

En route, I stopped at a Café Baci's for two coffees as my Bodum was held hostage for the time being, one with cream and the other milk. The aroma of the coffee brewing in the café was crisp and bright, like a finely baked Ketchup Dorito. My mind was left to wander.

The Doritos snack is a perfect balance of flavours. It leaves a memory of deliciousness lingering on the brain rather than submitting to salt or another single, one-track taste that only insults your tongue with its dominance and makes you regret even eating the one.

As the barista presented the cups, I asked if they sold Doritos to save another trip and a balancing act of hot coffee but the hipster said they only served, "real food."

"Whatever, knitted sweater," I mumbled under my breath but I would have said out loud if I had to do it again. I gave one last, "good day" while trying to memorize the intricate needlework so I could ask a friend to make me one and then left.

The morning was nearly over when I had some time to myself to read the news. One article focused on an announcement President Obama made in early March of his intention to stay in Washington while his daughter finishes high school. Fox went on to question his real motives for staying in D.C. after his term. Was he going to keep in contact with government and if so, to what degree? Would the public be informed and should the public have a voice on the issue? Questions were being fired off as were opinions from the educated and informed readers of their news source.

Most other articles were about Donald Trump. He should write a book on how to run a campaign.[editor's update: Donald is currently writing a book called, The Art of the Campaign, and stated they will be making it a TV show later next year if it does not interfere with his presidential duties.]

Unlike the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos!, the campaign for Republican nominee has come to an end.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Factory Doritos Dust Grows to Unmanagable Proportions

Chaos and confusion met some lost Okies travelling down the coast of California this morning as they bore witness to what was described as giant rainbow clouds sweeping up the black asphalt and brown seed that used to cover the landscape.

What is the fate of a people who flee their homes from nature's plight? Does the pace of progress prevent them from ever getting there? Some say it reminded them of how the dust bowl of the dirty thirties looks on a colour TV. Even Woody Guthrie couldn't have guided them through the storm with a song.

They are not seeing through the dust clouds, those Okie. They are selfishly just trying to make money despite what the company may incur if anything happens because of their perseverance. People were wearing gas masks to keep dust out of the eyes or risk going blind in high winds.

"It's as if it follows you," one said.

"There's no escaping it," said another.

It was during the dust bowl years, in fact, when Frito met Lay and, as though it was destiny, were to marry some 30 years later and soon after, give birth to the Doritos corn chip. The present is a trying time for Frito-Lay but my prayers are with them. Maybe a great author will write a book about this tragedy and it will overshadow the triteness of anything about grapes.

Over the course of a day it seems, enough "Doritos dust" can gather inside the factory during production and then escape through the exhaust to the outside world.

Where was the Greek god Aeolus, keeper of the winds, when Dorothy needed him and where is he now?

Some immediately wondered whether the dust was a case of the Doritos flavouring in epic proportions considering their destination was the prosperous FritoLay factory and their journey's end was nearing.

The balls obstructed the ability of the farmer's to tend to the fields where the corn is grown. It forced the decision-makers travelling by car to inch by, sweating through their neckties from a combination of work pressure and the hot leather seats. One can sympathize with the company for not yet having spoken publicly and places further importance on the success of the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos!

The company is trying to target the flavours causing the formation of more or larger balls than others, if indeed any stand out in an attempt to minimize economic loss by slowing manufacturing. Ironically, production inadvertently slowed as workers struggled to get to work and tend to the production line.