Sunday, March 27, 2016

Canuck Tomato-Folk Grateful to Yankee Wealthy for Saving their Economy

Ketchup production is big business but who's business is it?

The beneficiaries in the Tomato-Ketchup marriage depend on who you look at but, overall, we can safely say that only for America the scenery never changes, it is the lead horse riding off into the tomato fields. The rest of us are stuck at home watching Fried Green Tomatoes (again) and still wondering what the secret ingredient is in the sauce.

At least this holds true for Hunt's. Thankfully, the sweetener is back to high fructose corn syrup after America came along to save those poor Canucks with their crazy table sugar and their health how-tos on eating better. You have to give the customer what they want, right?

No other story could warm the hearts of job creators around the world than to read about the American capitalization of the Canadian Ketchup industry. While we here at the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos were concerned that this change might impact the cost of Ketchup Doritos, but our research indicates that this won't impact the supply of our KD. Apparently there is more MSG than dehydrated tomato in the ingredients so the tomato supply needed for the Canadian supply of KD is minimal. We still love them.

But don't feel sorry for those wacky Canadians. In fact, many of the blue-collar workers of Southern Ontario are thanking their new American bosses for stepping in and saving their cushy jobs, some even with glamorous bouquets of Doritos Ketchup Roses.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Ketchup Doritos Are the Flower without Flour

The mainstream media has covered up a lot of big news in their day. Let's be serious here.

Remember when Saddam's statue fell? The Iraqi people were all dancing like Baghdad was Studio 54 and what did we hear from our so-called "embedded" journalists?

Nothing but stories about roadside bombings or tales of systemic torture by our Brave Troops versus the enemy combatants.

We may have gotten Iraq sorted out but there's still a lot we have to do to make our country whole again. Some of it MAY involve electing a Billionaire named Trump (but that depends on how many Wall-Building companies one might invest in, on Wall Street) or maybe we should just focus on the small things like showing our loved ones we care for them.

What better way to show your estranged wife that you want to reconcile, and that Julio was but an aberration, than to send her a bouquet of Ketchup Doritos? They would soften the heart of a diamond if such a compressed piece of carbon could taste and possibly chew them for a period of time.

But no, our schmernalists from the Fourth Estate (or is it the Fifth Column?) chose to write a handful of articles about the Ketchup Doritos bouquet. Thanks for the lack of sunlight. Our little plant will grow in this dim space.

Ketchup Doritos are here for a limited time only. Let's change that before our Country gets changed by Them.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Syrians are migrating to North America to eat Ketchup Doritos

I speak the truth. Syrians are coming here, to North America, and they are coming here to eat KD. And in numbers! Syrians are coming to a state (or province) near you! I mean, it's huge. It's incredible, really.

So is it any wonder why the Global Language Monitor's annual survey cited, "migrant crisis", as last year's top phrase? An honourable second was awarded to, "Ketchup Doritos", for its widespread popularity and frequent usage thought the better part of last year and now (through this forum), I'll tell ya, the beginnings of this year and what looks to be a long friendship into the future. 

And I know what you are going to say (even though I shouldn't care because I won't be there when you say it), you are going to say many studies are commissioned to rank word usage, Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year being your notable example, and their word is not migrant crisis.

And I would respond by saying that that study in particular has no credibility on word choice because they're weak and they followed the technicological trend of yesteryear. The year before last, the word chosen was, "vape", and the most recent year, the word chosen was the emoji, "face with tears of joy". A technological advancement it may be but they're missing it. 

The movement of what some commentators have referred to in the hundreds of millions of refugees is from the Middle East to Europe as well as North African countries. The migration is cited as the largest migration of a people (predominantly Syrians & Afghanis) since WWII and North America is next.

So why are they not seeking their neighbours? 

The reason Syrians are not fleeing to the Gulf states closer to home is because they don't have Ketchup Doritos and hence, freedom. Despite the news that moving to Dubai can have astronomical costs, simply allowing the Middle East to have access to Ketchup Doritos would eliminate their need to migrate.

Ironically, even though future President Trump will likely legalize Ketchup Doritos in the USA as one of his first acts of office, his actions may just foment even more immigration and the crisis will surely grow.

Now at this time let us look onto Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who says that you get back what you give out, so you should plant as many "seeds" as possible if you want a garden (or even a wall) to grow.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Trump makes Civilization V great again

He has been busy.

And just when you thought you knew exactly what he was doing (recently joining the campaign to make Ketchup Doritos great again as well as the ongoing presidential campaign) Donald Trump has also been Making Civilization V great again for over a year now.

Why? Because he can and if you download the mod, you can help him. Want to know what's in store? A recent article discusses the perks of choosing the dictator to rule. You can act out all of his microagressions and prepare for the reality if he is chosen by the American people.

And it is either a moot point for a laugh, or a serious look through the lens of a particular political ideology when I cite that microaggression and Donald J. Trump ranked the top word and top name for 2015 in the Global Language Monitor's annual survey. Whether they were always coupled to one another in the same sentence referring to each other I cannot say.

Happy gaming.