Thursday, April 21, 2016

America Brings the Pain

Either you live in a world where a girl named Alice chases you around while you take these little squares of mint you are starting to realize are not Listerine tabs, either that, or you understand what most Americans want and that is an eye-for-an-eye mentality from a leader in charge who will act on this mentality.

I don't have to tell you that man is Donald J. Trump.  Don't hate the man, hate the people he represents. America is The World's Leading Nation and Americans always strive be the best, so why not be the best torturers?

Trump said he would go a lot further than waterboarding. With this sentiment, Ketchup Doritos is holding a poll on Trump's behalf to determine the most favourable forms of torture according to the American people with Trump eagerly awaiting the results.


Peruse the following methods of torture and send one (1) list ONLY with your top five (5) choices, one (1) being most favourable to our mailing list. Happy voting!

1. Brazen Bull:
The terrorist is placed inside of a hollow bronze replica of a bull where cries from inside are made to sound like sounds from a bull.

2. The rack
Limbs are pulled apart.

3. Coffin torture
Placed into a cage in the public square where crows come and pick at your flesh

4. Tongue terror
 A screw attached to a tongue clamp closes down on the tongue, the more the screw is turned, the further the clamp is tightened.

5. Scaphism
A execution method from Ancient Persia whereby you strip the person naked, put them in a hollow log and feed them honey and milk to induce diarrhea. they were then covered in honey and thrown in a pond left to float where insects would devour them alive.

6. The Gridiron
A metal grid with a fire underneath that would cook a person alive.

7. Flaying
Removing one layer or more layers of skin exposing muscle and even bone to the elements. Death in this manner can be very prolonged and was usually the result of infections or blood loss.

8. Execution by bamboo - tying a person atop bamboo and allowing the bamboo to grow through the person, literally.

Will the results show a comeback of the Spanish donkey or the Brazen Bull? Or perhaps Persian Scaphism? If you voted for death by bamboo growth, it is true that currently America does not have the resources for this torture method but Trump is thought to be working on a trade deal to import from a Chinese source in return for an agreement to not use this method on any of their citizens. Let the Voters choose Their torture.