Sunday, January 24, 2016

Favourite Doritos Flavours Poll

What is the coolest Doritos flavour?

You can see the passion extended to our cherished Ketchup Doritos and the commitment people have in fighting for the "freedom to eat 'em." Now before you go and retweet that turn of phrase simply because it rhymes, let me make my case for the Ketchup Doritos by a review.

Cool Ranch gets votes right out of the opening gate for being the flavour most popular in current polls (included in this category are any other variations on the Cool name). I have heard them being called Cool American or Cool Original or Cool ... whatever. The point is that they're inferior and yet they're number one. They are killing us. They are beating us in every aisle of every supermarket and, I will tell you what, it is because they have deregulated distribution in the international market. Unbridled success. And we are going to get it for Ketchup Doritos.

Cool Ranch loses votes upon closer examination for its flavour name. The word cool in its original use signified an emotional sadness or even more extreme such as an act of antisocial violence.  That word changed its tune from the likeability of one man, Lester Young the progenitor and epitome of the term, after which it was used to describe a hip vibe akin to a defiant jazz musician parading around with his Whacky Tobaccy. Emotionally sad or violent Doritos would have never sold. Since when is a language fluid and ever-evolving? Latin and Greek didn't put up with that but they are dead.

All the cool flavours have the same ingredients listed and claim to taste identical, the only difference being their name. Are we suppose to succumb solely to the chemical combinations dancing on our tongue and simply ask, what's in a name? I'll tell you what's in a name, Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon if you ascribe to the Baconian theory of Shakespeare authorship), and the answer is everything. Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to avoid things just based on their description. I don't even think I have seen a Cool American ever appreciating the setting of a Cool Ranch. The multiple names of the Cool Ranch flavour may as well be a CCC, a Cool Ranch Conspiracy.

All of the other flavours are losers and not worth mentioning. We need to focus on the Ketchup Doritos as the lead dog. The campaign has to run as smoothly as one's own funeral and just like it, you want reassurance from a longstanding name giving you peace of mind and reinforcing that that they know what they're doing. You don't want it to be a situation where there's only a stack of bologna on a table with no fork. You want to see some Ketchup Doritos on the table.

Don't forget to vote!