Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Queen of Clubs and King of Diamonds Play a Poker Game

This election has Hillary and Trump held up in a poker game where both of them are claiming to have a queen card and Trump is accusing Hillary of bluffing.

Manhattan boy Trump was disappointed after the first few hands of the game understandable when you find out he thought it was going to be a game of strip poker with an unlimited supply of Ketchup Doritos.

To find only one bowl of KD at the card table seemed to be an intentional misstep but in hindsight, may be reflective of their limited supply due to their clever award-winning marketing. Is it any wonder why Trump would like Ketchup Doritos? Though there was no direct mention of the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos directly, I can say the bowl was completely emptied and it did seem to have limited the atmosphere after it was finished.

The lack of discussions on the fate of Canada's veteran (chips) could be due to the absence of any talk at all on Canada-U.S. relations during the heated match. The wall, however, was a topic that kept rearing its sexy head. I am with Donald on this one, we'll have a great wall and actually it can be a good-looking wall, as wall go. But who is it going to look like?

The statement made by James Klein, wall-to-wall Trump, was brought up and clarified as being made in reference to where his support lies in the presidential race, not in response to what he would like the U.S.-Mexican border to resemble once constructed. The delegate of the 5th Congressional District is not far off on what the wall is going to look like or should I say who.

The wall may just be a who and not a what and much like this presidential race, the choice is down to two. The wall will either reach the height of 2 Donald Trump replicas, one standing on the head of the other reaching 3.6m or 3.66m if the replicas are the rumoured to be Paul Wall. (Paul Wall is a notable dirty south rapper and supposed name behind Donald Trump's most recent mysterious big investment).

The next few hands were played while discussing the meaning of democracy and reasons why socialism is not ruling the roost. Donald was quoted saying, the working class inaction is because the workers themselves are capable of judging the merits of socialism and have found them wanting.

After a full house granting him the game, he said that just because workers consent to their unique position in the capitalist economy does not mean they are delusional about the existing system, akin to a mushroom growing in the dark and being fed b.s. I rather liked the term strategic rationality in the choice the workers have made to not overthrow capitalism. I respect that they understand their predicament.


Thursday, April 21, 2016

America Brings the Pain


Either you live in a world where a girl named Alice chases you around while you take these little squares of mint you are starting to realize are not Listerine tabs, either that, or you understand what most Americans want and that is an eye-for-an-eye mentality from a leader in charge who will act on this mentality.

I don't have to tell you that man is Donald J. Trump.  Don't hate the man, hate the people he represents. America is The World's Leading Nation and Americans always strive be the best, so why not be the best torturers?

Trump said he would go a lot further than waterboarding. With this sentiment, Ketchup Doritos is holding a poll on Trump's behalf to determine the most favourable forms of torture according to the American people with Trump eagerly awaiting the results.


TORTURE POLL 2016

Peruse the following methods of torture and send one (1) list ONLY with your top five (5) choices, one (1) being most favourable to our mailing list. Happy voting!

1. Brazen Bull:
The terrorist is placed inside of a hollow bronze replica of a bull where cries from inside are made to sound like sounds from a bull.

2. The rack
Limbs are pulled apart.

3. Coffin torture
Placed into a cage in the public square where crows come and pick at your flesh

4. Tongue terror
 A screw attached to a tongue clamp closes down on the tongue, the more the screw is turned, the further the clamp is tightened.

5. Scaphism
A execution method from Ancient Persia whereby you strip the person naked, put them in a hollow log and feed them honey and milk to induce diarrhea. they were then covered in honey and thrown in a pond left to float where insects would devour them alive.

6. The Gridiron
A metal grid with a fire underneath that would cook a person alive.

7. Flaying
Removing one layer or more layers of skin exposing muscle and even bone to the elements. Death in this manner can be very prolonged and was usually the result of infections or blood loss.

8. Execution by bamboo - tying a person atop bamboo and allowing the bamboo to grow through the person, literally.



Will the results show a comeback of the Spanish donkey or the Brazen Bull? Or perhaps Persian Scaphism? If you voted for death by bamboo growth, it is true that currently America does not have the resources for this torture method but Trump is thought to be working on a trade deal to import from a Chinese source in return for an agreement to not use this method on any of their citizens. Let the Voters choose Their torture.




Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Feel the Burn? I'd rather chill with Chillary

Republicans are known for standing their ground. We do not flip flop our morals and beliefs from one debate to the next simply because we were caught on tape, now do we? Nor do we call out each other but rather stand together, a party akin to a family with a four year supply of Ketchup Doritos.

And it is that spirit I extend to one's voting predilections. So why then, should it be surprising that one had to indicate back on October 9th which way you were going to swing in order to vote today in the democratic primary? Have your views changed from further education in reading, conversing over time, new information, blah blah blah WWJD?

But I must remember that the fight tonight is not even my fight. If and only if, I had to choose between feeling the two, I would choose to chill with Chillary over feeling the Burn.

Some Bernie supporters have said that they were unable to get to their polling stations to which I respond, on a day as important as this I would have advised to take a limo. That would solve the problem and you would arrive in style.

Another nail in the tire came from the group of underage teens stating their intention to vote in today's primary. Some reporters were describing the cohort of Bernie supporters too young to vote today as children away from their parents and family. I encourage you that I will not let Bernie lure underage voters and defame the constitution. That is why, Ketchup Doritos will be supplying the Hillary campaign with a limited supply to give out to children seen on the voting sites and encourage them to follow the laws of the USA while being escorted out by the military security.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Change comes when you take your top off

I went to the Bernie rally in New York where I had the privilege of meeting one of the attendees. We started talking and I asked her if I may interview her about her political views. She is a Bernie enthusiast and is convinced, "he will help her out of the rubble." Here is our conversation.

Me: How do you feel about Bernie Sanders stating the change does not come from the top down?

Mimi: I would take my top off for Bernie Sanders, if he asked me to and I would show him that change does come. I mean, he already asked Hillary, and I am way younger than her.

Me: To put this in context, are there others, for whom you would disrobe?

Mimi: Let's just say that I am safe. There were risky times and one of those times I peed and felt the burn.

Me: Oh, ok. Happy to hear you are better. On a different vine, how do you think operations are structured at Frito-Lay? Are you familiar with the company?

Mimi: If you are asking me if I like Doritos then, way. Way! Am I going to get some now?

Me: We can arrange that. How do you think they get the seasoning on the golden, decadent, Doritos corn chip?

Mimi: I watched a show when they showed that the seasonings were sprinkled from the top.

Me: Indeed. Did you enjoy it?

Mimi: Oh yea.


More of Mimi's interview and one other supporter to come.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Presidential Race Day: what you need to know

Wisconsin hates Trump.

The People's anger is on the table. The people will either choose to have their anger taken down a dark alley and roughed up, albeit victorious in the end under Donald Trump or choose to have their anger turned into resolve by nicely rolling it into little playdough balls to squeeze at the office or to shape into alicorns to adorn the top of horses as it was meant to be along with Mitt Romney.

Ketchup Doritos will be available at most polling stations for around $5 per bag. Fruit and vegetables will also be available for $30 per item.


Monday, April 4, 2016

Marco Rubio gets back the Ketchup Doritos he paid for

Marco Rubio knew exactly what he was doing when he entered a small corner store on Sunday, he wanted to buy a bag of Ketchup Doritos. The corner store he entered was not random, it was the US test location for the new flavour of corn chip and Rubio wanted to try them to see if he and the chip liked one another.

But a few hours after purchasing them - a lifetime in the mind of a true Ketchup Doritos lover - Marco Rubio had not only NOT tried the flavour, he had involved himself in somewhat of a court battle trying to get back the chips he legitimately paid for after he failed to take them with him when he left the store.

Rubio's defense claimed that during this visit he first learned of the flavour's limited time availability from reading the bag (and shortly after, here). He said that though it appeared as though he forfeited them by leaving them in the store to be purchased by someone else, he was rather in a state of disillusionment as to the circumstance he found himself in and that he did not know what he was doing.

So which is it? Does he or does he not know what he is doing?

He later argued that he has the right to the Ketchup Doritos via proof of purchase and stated that he was very careful in keeping the receipt so there can be no sustained allegations of foul play.

Marco Rubio will have his Ketchup Doritos returned to him in the forthcoming days. I am sure he is happy to see this story turn out much like the one with his delegates being returned to him after he suspended his campaign.

So congrats, Rubio, you are two for two, at least on what I have been paying attention to.