Democracy is dancing and twirling like a drunken ballerina in America right now and the citizens in the crowd are eating it up like delicious Ketchup Doritos.
But who is a True Conservative? Who will save us from the Socialist Potato-Chip Conspiracy propagated by the willy-nilly Liberal Chiperati Left?
My Editor has reminded me that Canada is the only place in North America given the (obviously) God-Given Right to enjoy the salty ketchup smile of KD legally, but I am resolute in my belief that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump will step in and make some REAL change happen.
We all know that the President talks a good game, but while he was off studying in Indonesia, how many Doritos bags did he encounter? Was he busy eating local varieties of potato chips? Maybe experimenting with spiced baked pita pieces? My Mother once told me what happens to folks who go that way. I won't use that sort of language in a proper article in front of distinguished company like yourselves.
Voting means being informed, so here is a Report Card of the GOP candidates which rates them on their position on the Campaign To SAVE KETCHUP DORITOS.
TRUMP= 20%
Trump has some sort of mental block against the Mexican People, almost like an invisible internal cosmic wall that was paid for by Paranoia and the Racist Sisters (amazing band BTW). A Mexican invented Doritos. Ketchup Doritos would not even be POSSIBLE if Trump had been President when Doritos and Ketchup made love.
CRUZ= 80%
Cruz came out strongly during the Iowa Caucuses (and even the debate!) against ethanol (meaning CORN) subsidies which encourage the use of corn-derived fuels by using tax dollars to put money in the pockets of wealthy oil companies. While I am completely in favour of free enterprise, I don't appreciate the price of corn being driven up by greedy oil men at the expense of good, Honest, God-fearing American companies like Frito-Lay Inc. which impacts their corporate profits and their long-term ROI for the well-heeled classy gents who own them in Monaco or maybe the Caiman Islands.
In a nutshell, Ketchup Doritos cost would go down if Ethanol was gone, meaning Cruz is sort of a star candidate.
RUBIO= 37%
Rubio is an attractive candidate, and I'm not just talking about his finely shaped rear legislative chamber. He votes where his mouth is, and he feels his heart is in his head, right beside the central processing unit that controls his breathing and voluntary movements. While having an affinity for the mechanical apparatuses that churn out Doritos without fail day after day, powered only by 120 volts and 10 amps of sheer will, Rubio hasn't really come out in favor of Ketchup Doritos being legalized in America. But don't think that Marco Rubio doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's ignoring Ketchup Doritos, and that's a bigger mistake than the time he said that Ronald Reagan had ridiculously small genitals.
KASICH= 59%
Kasich is from Ohio and who can fuck with Ohio? Not me, certainly not me. While the rest of the GOP hates him and thinks he's some sort of commie liberal hippie scum-sucker, his views on Doritos haven't really been clear. The Frito-Lay Company donated a tidy sum to his re-election fund, so we have to give him some sort of number.
CARSON= 98%
Just before bed, I read to him and said... "Carson was a doctor from a sleepy town called somewhere down and we sang our songs and walked along until we slept a sleep and dreamed the dreams of starry-sky shhhhh shhhh shhhhh e.e. Cummings was a big fan of Doritos...Or was it Dylan
(CARSON DREAMS OF KETCHUP DORITOS)
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Donald Trump is Big Brother to Frito Kid
The Frito Kid may be back. And for a worthy cause.
Nineteen sixty-seven was an eventful year. It was the last time Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup against the Montreal Canadiens and the year the Frito Kid made his retirement from Fritos centre stage eclipsed by a new product mascot for Fritos corn chips, the racist and fairly offensive - although unware to them at inception - stereotype of a mexican, Frito Bandito.
The Frito kid wants to use his quarters earned from the Klondike mine to make the Fritos mascot great again and thinks the campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is just the ticket!
What is the motivation behind the Frito Kid's actions? Could it be the Kid got word from one of Kanye West's tweets at his NYFW show or a thumbs up for the campaign during a Fox News broadcast and, as the original mascot of the company, has since deemed it worthy to spearhead the initiative? Or maybe he couldn't live any longer in a world where many are still upset by his successor's job in office, the notorious and unforgettable, Bandito?
The Frito kid is known for his appearance with his cowboy attire and his golden hair tossed about on his head. He made his way in the Klondike one purchase at a time shouting pronouncements like, "Dig those chips, dig that gold, dig those chips of corn." And he always liked those who thought the same as him, "Someone else knows what's good. Another bag of Fritos, Klondike."
So how is Donald able to make America great again and why does the Kid think he could follow suit?
The origins of both public figures are rooted in the same field. How the Trumps Struck Klondike Gold was published in 2012 while the CBC as well as The Globe and Mail ran both ran articles as recent as last September on the origins of the Trump's fortune.
You may be hearing new jingles about Ketchup Doritos by the Kid if he invested his fortunes from the Fritos Klondike well. After all, he has had big brother to watch and learn how it's done.
Nineteen sixty-seven was an eventful year. It was the last time Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup against the Montreal Canadiens and the year the Frito Kid made his retirement from Fritos centre stage eclipsed by a new product mascot for Fritos corn chips, the racist and fairly offensive - although unware to them at inception - stereotype of a mexican, Frito Bandito.
The Frito kid wants to use his quarters earned from the Klondike mine to make the Fritos mascot great again and thinks the campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos is just the ticket!
What is the motivation behind the Frito Kid's actions? Could it be the Kid got word from one of Kanye West's tweets at his NYFW show or a thumbs up for the campaign during a Fox News broadcast and, as the original mascot of the company, has since deemed it worthy to spearhead the initiative? Or maybe he couldn't live any longer in a world where many are still upset by his successor's job in office, the notorious and unforgettable, Bandito?
The Frito kid is known for his appearance with his cowboy attire and his golden hair tossed about on his head. He made his way in the Klondike one purchase at a time shouting pronouncements like, "Dig those chips, dig that gold, dig those chips of corn." And he always liked those who thought the same as him, "Someone else knows what's good. Another bag of Fritos, Klondike."
So how is Donald able to make America great again and why does the Kid think he could follow suit?
The origins of both public figures are rooted in the same field. How the Trumps Struck Klondike Gold was published in 2012 while the CBC as well as The Globe and Mail ran both ran articles as recent as last September on the origins of the Trump's fortune.
You may be hearing new jingles about Ketchup Doritos by the Kid if he invested his fortunes from the Fritos Klondike well. After all, he has had big brother to watch and learn how it's done.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
No More Sleep, I've Got KD Dust on my Cheeks
I am Philip Shearing, AKA Jeremy Brendan. I used to be a blogger and wrote a couple of hundred articles/interviews/reviews/political op-eds between the years 2003 to 2007.
I was never blessed with that flood--I had to consciously try to write every day, or at least get sufficiently sauced on cheap House ale and carry around a pretentious little notebook with a Bic Pen, tawdry notes back and forth with buxom classmates on the back pages--so going into what I am afraid to call blog-hibernation in the years since then was a blessed relief.
Today, that sleep will end. I have found a cause that gently swept the harp in my heart, the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos (KD). [Note of disclosure: I'm also in love with the other half of this blog and we live together, but that does not temper my deep and undying affection for KD.]
We are demonstrating today the beginning of what I hope will prove to be an exponential curve (1 blogger becomes 2 becomes 4 and so on) to drive the cause forward, to guarantee that our children and our children's children can all enjoy Ketchup Doritos without fear of reprisal or state sanction.
Join us in this great cause. Donate if you can.
Doritos are made from corn, not potato.
It has happened! My first mention on another blog!
At first, I thought the author of this article appeared to understand my cause and dedication to seeing the Save Ketchup Doritos! Campaign move forward. My excitement from this recognition has been stifled by the insincerity the author appears to have once you finish the read. There was no consultation, the article was devoid of references, and the facts inaccurate. Say it ain't so.
We have seen it many times before: a true fact becomes of interest to the people and as it grows, especially if the rate is high or exponential, the more distorted and altered the facts become until they are, well, not facts at all.
What is terribly important about this article is the botched description of my education, writing that I am earning an MA in phamacology. Here is a link to my MSc thesis from the University of Toronto libraries in cell biology. I am presently in pursuit of the cure for Alzheimer's Disease (in addition to my championing the fight to save the new KD).
The more time I spent thinking of it though, the more I wondered what an MA in pharmacology would study? Maybe be the visual piece of the puzzle in teaching and communicating the study of pharma? But this is a moot point here.
The writing seems to lack a certain respect for personal relationships. the article recalls a time when I had a stint drumming in my boyfriend's band. Our respectful decision to separate love and profession in this band (we are in a band together called Muffin Cup) was written about casually as a quarrel about an encore (and who would care about this fact anyway?) The author also hurried the upcoming release of Paddle to the Sea's first album to this week?!! I am not sure when it is but no date of release has been announced.
Stay tuned music lovers.
The more time I spent thinking of it though, the more I wondered what an MA in pharmacology would study? Maybe be the visual piece of the puzzle in teaching and communicating the study of pharma? But this is a moot point here.
The writing seems to lack a certain respect for personal relationships. the article recalls a time when I had a stint drumming in my boyfriend's band. Our respectful decision to separate love and profession in this band (we are in a band together called Muffin Cup) was written about casually as a quarrel about an encore (and who would care about this fact anyway?) The author also hurried the upcoming release of Paddle to the Sea's first album to this week?!! I am not sure when it is but no date of release has been announced.
Stay tuned music lovers.
While some are making tracks, others are losing their facts.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Ketchup Doritos: the new kid on the block
I knew it was going to get ugly. I anticipated a divide that I would soon see separating families and lovers, neighbours and co-workers. Canadians were turning on one another in an effort to Save the KD chip, at least for another year if they won the grand prize of the new game on the block put out by Doritos to see how deep your love is for the flavour (http://www.fastcocreate.com/3042550/doritos-pits-canadians-against-each-other-in-a-fight-over-ketchup-chips).
I was handling my internal struggle of the situation quite fine but what I didn't anticipate and what I could not have imagined occurred next. The extent of depravity felt by Americans south of the boarder from the lack of KD (new acronym of KD meaning Ketchup Doritos) in their lives, even if it was going to cause the same internal fights as it is doing in Canada, was enormous and is only getting larger. Maybe it is because a lack of access to something desired seems like a limitation of freedom, especially when there's a flavour-embrace of the Doritos occurring just across nation-wide lines that seems to be rubbing it in their faces.
What will happen next?
I was handling my internal struggle of the situation quite fine but what I didn't anticipate and what I could not have imagined occurred next. The extent of depravity felt by Americans south of the boarder from the lack of KD (new acronym of KD meaning Ketchup Doritos) in their lives, even if it was going to cause the same internal fights as it is doing in Canada, was enormous and is only getting larger. Maybe it is because a lack of access to something desired seems like a limitation of freedom, especially when there's a flavour-embrace of the Doritos occurring just across nation-wide lines that seems to be rubbing it in their faces.
What will happen next?
Do I have the same favourite flavour of Doritos as a killer?
I was conducting research in my campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos! and I stumbled upon the precise description of a series of items desired for a man on death row's last meal:
"Biros also ordered his last meal: a cheese pizza with extra cheese, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, deep-fried onion rings and mushrooms with ketchup, Doritos chips with French onion dip, cherry pie, blueberry ice cream, and Dr. Pepper" (http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2009/12/07/biros-arrives.html).
It is clear from the article that ketchup (for his mushrooms?) and Doritos were among the foods he wanted to eat for his final meal. What is not so clear, but certainly possible, is which flavour he had in mind for his Doritos and whether it was ketchup that he ate that day in 2009.
If ketchup was his chosen accompaniment to have with the deep-fried mushroom, it is plausible that he had the flavour in mind as the seasoning for the beloved deep-fried corn chip.
Was ketchup available as a flavour in '09? And even if it was not, I still have to ask myself,
"If my campaign is successful, am I also saving the Ketchup Doritos for the next crim's last meal?"
On a side note and what is also interesting from researching this Doritos-loving yet also killer-man's last meal is that there is a blog that tracks the last meal of those on death row called Dead Man Eating (http://deadmaneating.blogspot.ca/). There is a lot more one could say about this blog but in another place.
"Biros also ordered his last meal: a cheese pizza with extra cheese, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, deep-fried onion rings and mushrooms with ketchup, Doritos chips with French onion dip, cherry pie, blueberry ice cream, and Dr. Pepper" (http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2009/12/07/biros-arrives.html).
It is clear from the article that ketchup (for his mushrooms?) and Doritos were among the foods he wanted to eat for his final meal. What is not so clear, but certainly possible, is which flavour he had in mind for his Doritos and whether it was ketchup that he ate that day in 2009.
If ketchup was his chosen accompaniment to have with the deep-fried mushroom, it is plausible that he had the flavour in mind as the seasoning for the beloved deep-fried corn chip.
Was ketchup available as a flavour in '09? And even if it was not, I still have to ask myself,
"If my campaign is successful, am I also saving the Ketchup Doritos for the next crim's last meal?"
On a side note and what is also interesting from researching this Doritos-loving yet also killer-man's last meal is that there is a blog that tracks the last meal of those on death row called Dead Man Eating (http://deadmaneating.blogspot.ca/). There is a lot more one could say about this blog but in another place.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Favourite Doritos Flavours Poll
What is the coolest Doritos flavour?
You can see the passion extended to our cherished Ketchup Doritos and the commitment people have in fighting for the "freedom to eat 'em." Now before you go and retweet that turn of phrase simply because it rhymes, let me make my case for the Ketchup Doritos by a review.
Cool Ranch gets votes right out of the opening gate for being the flavour most popular in current polls (included in this category are any other variations on the Cool name). I have heard them being called Cool American or Cool Original or Cool ... whatever. The point is that they're inferior and yet they're number one. They are killing us. They are beating us in every aisle of every supermarket and, I will tell you what, it is because they have deregulated distribution in the international market. Unbridled success. And we are going to get it for Ketchup Doritos.
Cool Ranch loses votes upon closer examination for its flavour name. The word cool in its original use signified an emotional sadness or even more extreme such as an act of antisocial violence. That word changed its tune from the likeability of one man, Lester Young the progenitor and epitome of the term, after which it was used to describe a hip vibe akin to a defiant jazz musician parading around with his Whacky Tobaccy. Emotionally sad or violent Doritos would have never sold. Since when is a language fluid and ever-evolving? Latin and Greek didn't put up with that but they are dead.
All the cool flavours have the same ingredients listed and claim to taste identical, the only difference being their name. Are we suppose to succumb solely to the chemical combinations dancing on our tongue and simply ask, what's in a name? I'll tell you what's in a name, Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon if you ascribe to the Baconian theory of Shakespeare authorship), and the answer is everything. Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to avoid things just based on their description. I don't even think I have seen a Cool American ever appreciating the setting of a Cool Ranch. The multiple names of the Cool Ranch flavour may as well be a CCC, a Cool Ranch Conspiracy.
All of the other flavours are losers and not worth mentioning. We need to focus on the Ketchup Doritos as the lead dog. The campaign has to run as smoothly as one's own funeral and just like it, you want reassurance from a longstanding name giving you peace of mind and reinforcing that that they know what they're doing. You don't want it to be a situation where there's only a stack of bologna on a table with no fork. You want to see some Ketchup Doritos on the table.
Don't forget to vote!
You can see the passion extended to our cherished Ketchup Doritos and the commitment people have in fighting for the "freedom to eat 'em." Now before you go and retweet that turn of phrase simply because it rhymes, let me make my case for the Ketchup Doritos by a review.
Cool Ranch gets votes right out of the opening gate for being the flavour most popular in current polls (included in this category are any other variations on the Cool name). I have heard them being called Cool American or Cool Original or Cool ... whatever. The point is that they're inferior and yet they're number one. They are killing us. They are beating us in every aisle of every supermarket and, I will tell you what, it is because they have deregulated distribution in the international market. Unbridled success. And we are going to get it for Ketchup Doritos.
Cool Ranch loses votes upon closer examination for its flavour name. The word cool in its original use signified an emotional sadness or even more extreme such as an act of antisocial violence. That word changed its tune from the likeability of one man, Lester Young the progenitor and epitome of the term, after which it was used to describe a hip vibe akin to a defiant jazz musician parading around with his Whacky Tobaccy. Emotionally sad or violent Doritos would have never sold. Since when is a language fluid and ever-evolving? Latin and Greek didn't put up with that but they are dead.
All the cool flavours have the same ingredients listed and claim to taste identical, the only difference being their name. Are we suppose to succumb solely to the chemical combinations dancing on our tongue and simply ask, what's in a name? I'll tell you what's in a name, Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon if you ascribe to the Baconian theory of Shakespeare authorship), and the answer is everything. Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to avoid things just based on their description. I don't even think I have seen a Cool American ever appreciating the setting of a Cool Ranch. The multiple names of the Cool Ranch flavour may as well be a CCC, a Cool Ranch Conspiracy.
All of the other flavours are losers and not worth mentioning. We need to focus on the Ketchup Doritos as the lead dog. The campaign has to run as smoothly as one's own funeral and just like it, you want reassurance from a longstanding name giving you peace of mind and reinforcing that that they know what they're doing. You don't want it to be a situation where there's only a stack of bologna on a table with no fork. You want to see some Ketchup Doritos on the table.
Don't forget to vote!
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